Time To Grow Up

I've abandoned my blog for a few months now because, well, I'm not in a foreign country anymore. Adventures don't seem to be knocking on my doorstep. I've climbed down from a mountaintop only to find myself in a valley. And I'm struggling like a lot of others.

It's my senior year and everyone is trying to make the same decisions: Where am I applying to college? What do I want to major in? What do I even want to do with my life? Has the time come when I really have to grow up? And as we ask ourselves these questions and long for a quick glimpse of the future we're all burning out. By that I mean we're stressed, anxious for difficulties that in our minds will "inevitably" arise, worried about finances to pay for degrees that might not get us anywhere in life, and worst of all we're all looking around at one another terrified of making a decision that we could regret someday. This "choosing a college phase" is one of the saddest and most depressing things I've experienced with all of my peers... besides maybe our awkward stages of middle school. I hate it. And I know that it shouldn't be this way.

Everyone is telling us that we're "supposed" to be shoving our lives into these little cookie-cutter-perfect-scenarios. We've heard it all before: Go to college, rack up 40,000 in student debt, graduate, get a mediocre job, marry, have kids, pay off your loans, retire to a tropical place, and THAT is your life. And while most kids would laugh at this mentality or so called "American dream" right now, I guarantee that if asked to describe their life plan, it would sequence in the exact steps that I previously mentioned, with the difference of a few minor details.

Now, I don't mean to crush anyone's dreams, and quiet frankly there is nothing wrong with any of those things that I had listed. You will need to work hard and get an education in life in some form or another. I'm just begging you, all of you burnt out high school seniors out there that feel like maybe they don't want to follow the crowd another single step, to hear me out on what I think we are "supposed to do" during this stage in our lives.

Today is December 27th and I've recently sent out college applications and been accepted to a few schools. These past few months have consisted of college visits, financial aid discussions, and meeting deadlines. Again, I don't wish to look down upon any of this. I'm just telling you how I personally feel about my own situation and I'm wondering if any of you feel the same...

As young adults we are entering our prime years. Like. NOW. Twenty years from now when you have a mortgage and kids you won't be able to just go on a trip to europe or hike the appalachian trail for 3 months. You won't have the same physical energy or stamina to embark on such adventures nor the free time or lack of responsibilities. By exploring when we are young though, and taking time to truly find our passions, our whole lives will be transformed and twenty years from now we'll find ourselves on paths we've never imagined because we took our youth seriously. By seriously I mean we stopped going down the "American dream checklist" and actually sat down before God, the creator of all things, and asked him to lead us on the adventures that He has planned for us.

Now you definitely might think I'm crazy. But hear me out..
Parents are willing to spend hundreds even thousands of dollars on SAT guides or books on how to help your student land their dream career. But why are we looking to books and other people to give us those answers. I mean, if God created us (which He did) and if He loves us (which He does) and if He wants to show us how to live life to it's fullest (which He says himself) then why don't we turn to HIM when wondering what the next step is and what our lives are supposed to look like.

We rely on green paper, LED screens, and self-help books to guide our lives and find satisfaction. But it's not working. And I don't want this cheap happiness that everyone else is trading in for.

I want pure joy not cheap happiness.
I want real community not fake relationships.
I want passion and purpose to drive my life choices not pressure and fear.

We are all just trying to rise above the mess of our lives and struggles of this world. We all want to make a difference and be better. And these are wonderful desires to have...

I'm just saying that a picture, any picture, without God isn't worth anything. Any life without Christ isn't really life at all. And before we all toss up our caps and leave home in a few months to start our lives as young adults, we owe something to ourselves first. Heck, we've written the essays, we've met the deadlines, and we've sucked up to every teacher whether we've liked them or not for the past 12 years of our lives. But YOU owe something to YOURSELF now.

You owe it to yourself to take a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few days, if that's what you need, to be alone and stop thinking about what everyone else wants from you. Stop thinking about the pain, trials, and consequences for your actions that your future might hold. Sit down and ask God why you, as an individual, we're placed here on this earth in the exact circumstances that surround you. Ask Him what you're next step should be. Ask Him to fill your heart and soul with peace, a sense of security, and overflowing love that makes you confident in your identity. Ask Him to draw near and listen.

Please listen to Your Creator, Your Father, the man that died so you could live.
Life in Him is a precious gift that He wants you to have.
It's a life of freedom, love, security, joy, and so so much more.

Make sure you consider that soon.
Because you really do owe it to yourself.

Home Sweet Home

Today is August 9th which means I've been home for almost two months now, and everything feels more unreal than ever.  I can't believe that I'm sitting in my bed in the United States and I no longer have to go to sleep at night thinking of loved ones so far away. I can walk through my day with my eyes closed now because everything is back to normal and it's the most uncomfortable comfort I've ever experienced.

On June 11th I survived another day of impossible travel on international flights that just don't seem to ever be in my favor. While everyone at home was expecting my return on June 28th I had secretly planned on coming home early to surprise my best friends on the 11th. And so began one of the longest and most emotional days of my life...

My goodbyes were complete when I hugged my best friend Emma goodbye that morning on the sidewalk and headed to the airport. I couldn't believe how fast the year had gone by nor could I truly convince myself that it was more than an intricate dream concocted of powerful but fleeting emotions. The only way to look or move was forward with a strikingly bitter feeling of uncertainty and apprehension. My year in Spain that I'd planned for for so long was over and there was no other path to take as I moved through time and space back to my world of familiar faces, old stories, and routine.

In the airport I couldn't identify myself with the spaniards that excitedly waited to visit the United States nor the Americans that obnoxiously pranced around the place with almost complete glee and ignorance to their surroundings and the culture that laid just beyond their personal boundaries...

I can't tell you how alone I felt in those hours as I traveled from one life of mine back to the other-caught on the cusp of all that I used to know and all that I'd learned. I didn't know what I wanted or where I wanted to be or who I wanted to be with. I just wanted to stop saying goodbye to people and to stop feeling like my heart couldn't be complete because I'd left it with too many different people in too many different places.

 I kept to myself both in the airport and plane. While passengers slept, I read Emma's letter on the plane. Her jumbled emotions poured out of the words. Yet somehow they perfectly wrapped up the entirety of eight amazing months that we'd spent nearly everyday together. We will never be so young and carefree again as we were during those months. We won't lie under the sun for hours and talk about our young lives or walk along the sea at night, under the moonlight, and tell about secrets stories that have scarred our souls. Her smile adds beauty to my history, and her memory gives warmth to a cold chapter of raw and personal growth in my life. I never thought I'd learn to love that crazy girl as much as I did in the time we had together.

Just before sunset our wheels touched pavement- American pavement. The New York City skyline never looked so beautiful in my life as it did on that evening through a tiny and finger-smudged window. I grabbed my bags and ran through every line and customs check with the most impatient desire of feeling the love and safety of my mothers arms after many long months.

That hug meant home. It meant beginning again.
It meant "sigue fuerte" to continue strong...

At first it looked like I could pick up on life here right where I left off, but slowly (and painfully) I'm beginning to see how much people have changed and how foreign even "home" can feel.
During the first week of being back I felt helplessly lost in deep thought and distaste for how simple, carefree, and privileged my life in the United States is. I wanted to sell everything and move to a shack in Africa. Gosh I can be unrealistic sometimes...
Then I just wanted to spend time with everyone, every single day, and live like the new person I thought I'd become. But I'm also beginning to see which old habits I'v fallen back into and the new areas of my personality that have surprisingly flourished.

So here I am two months later continuing to wake up each day and ask myself what I learned from my year abroad and how I can apply that new knowledge to the way I live here.

That enormous european chapter of my life is just part of my life. It's a part of who I am now. Its effects will forever linger in my bones. My nerves will chill and tears will pour at the thought of the hardships and sheer joy that I faced in Denia, Spain.

But looking back, even now, it was still the most beautiful mess I've ever been through.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Senior Portraits

As the end of summer and early fall approaches soon-to-be seniors are looking to get dressed up and photographed for their senior portraits. Whether these pictures appear in the school year book or are just for the frame in the living room, it's a monumental time in life as you transition from your school years   into the real world as a vibrant young adult. So of course you will want some nice quality pictures... Just don't empty Mom and Dad's wallet!

If you've found yourself in the above situation, I'd like to help!
I'm not a professional photographer but I can't say I don't have an eye for some lovely shots ;) I love being behind the camera as I work with new subjects and in different settings to gain experience. And I'd love to help out some friends by providing them with some nice pictures at an awesome price this year to build up more of a portfolio. This is how it works...

I will:
*Shoot up to 3 different sessions with you
*Take as many photos as you'd like
AND there's no time limit (within reason)

Next I will touch up the shots we've taken or "spruce them up a bit" before giving you a CD with ALL of the frames. Once the photos are in your hands you can do whatever you'd like to share them with friends and family either online or by printing and framing them.
I simply ask that you give me credit as photographer.

Where can you get a deal like that?

Please consider the following photos as a "rough portfolio" of my work:


Single Portraits-

Pose Shots-

Emma's Senior Portrait Session

 Emma is my good friend that I met in Spain this year. Because she was studying abroad for her senior year we took it upon ourselves to have a photo shoot and get her some "official senior pics". 

Here's just a taste of the fun we had that day.

I hope you love them as much as we do!!!

My personal Favorite!!! 

As you can see, I hope to add more to this portfolio in the future- and you can help!

I can be contacted via e-mail at Kallajk@gmail.com

with any questions or to schedule a shoot.

 I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Finding Closure

24/7 I'm thinking about my approaching return home date and the 10 months that have led up to it.
I daydream about the adventures, laughs, and lessons that filled this year with excitement and meaning from the very start. I've been reflecting on my relationships with people here in Spain and back home, wondering who I'll stay in touch with and how I'll pick up with old friends when I return. But more than anything I've been taking a good hard look within myself. My journals and blogs are evidence of the constant change, growth, and struggles that defined my year abroad and continue to define me and the woman I'm becoming.

When I close my eyes I relive vivid memories from this year of both pain and joy that truly struck me at the core and awoke a stronger sense of what it means to experience all that life has to offer. To be completely honest, this year has been an absolutely beautiful mess. We post on Facebook and twitter the best we've got, the pretties pictures, and highlights of our lives, but the truth includes so much more than what is put on display for the rest of the world to see. And what might not alway be evident in what you see about my exchange is that this year has be the most challenging, demanding, and eyeopening year of my entire life. I hope that I've been open and transparent enough with you all through my blogs these past months because it's been an experience worthy of sharing.

In more recent events A LOT has been happening that I just haven't had the patients or clarity of mind to write to you guys, but tonight I'll give it my best shot.

In the end of May I went to live with my best friend Emma for a week while my host family was out of town. Every day we'd come home from school at 2pm, eat lunch, tan and then rest inside with a cup of tea and watch a movie. We were basically living the life that week and almost every conversation was very reminiscent of this entire year. Despite every challenge these houses have become our homes, these people our families, and these cities our land. In just nine months Emma and I have gotten to know each other so well along the journey of getting to know ourselves, and I find it unbearable to think of saying goodbye to her in such a short amount of time. We are well aware that we were only given a sliver of time together but the confusion of disbelief has me tangled up in mixed emotions about everything lately.

To help me summarize myself better Im going to use questions that a friend asked me in a recent letter. I figured some of you might be wondering the same things, too. So here goes:

What have been your biggest struggles?
During each step of my year abroad I struggled with different things. At first it was just the shock of such a dramatic change. I had to learn how to communicate in a foreign language, make new friends, get accustomed to different time schedules, get a long with a group of strangers that were considered my 'family', learn how to be more independent, and open my mind in new ways that were necessary to survive cultural differences. The battle lines were never drawn and I never got a break because I struggled with myself, too. Sometimes my logic and feelings were at war with each other. And even more often I was enveloped in my own self criticism and spiritual convictions that pushed me to keep fighting through the trials. I believed there was a mountain top even when the climb looked endless and now I'm almost there.

What are you most scared of when you get back?
This summer and the coming school year are going to continue to challenge me in my personal and academic life. And I have two major concerns. First of all, I'm extremely afraid of my academic situation because I've fallen behind on credits and my senior year is going to be a heavy workload. Worst comes to worst and I'll repeat my junior year- but we're praying really hard that that won't happen. My second biggest worry is coming home and feeling like I don't have a place to belong anymore. People grow and change a lot in ten months, and I know that I won't be able to pick up with them the same way I left. But I'm not naive to the fact that I won't be able to 'pick up' again at all with some people. Spring cleaning is to reorganize your house but a year abroad helps you reorganize your life and see both what and who you need around.

What are some things you're really going to miss?
Hmmm..
Without a doubt I'll miss the host families that I bonded with so much in the few months that I got to live with each of them. I'll miss the food (especially puchero) and the perfect climate that makes beach days possible almost all year round. I'll miss some of the kids in my class and getting to know their unique and funny personalities. I'll also look back on this year in Spain and long for the hours of free time and relaxation that I've been blessed with. I've enjoyed the time that I get to spend by myself and feeling at peace in my own company. Above all I'll miss Emma though...

What have you learned about yourself?
This question has an infinite number of answers which will only multiply as years go on and I look back on my exchange with more wisdom and maturity.
So for that reason I hope you don't mind if I make this response quick and short...
I've learned how to balance things in my life (in every aspect) more than ever before.
I've also become more willing to both recognize and then fix my faults and errors.
Lastly, I have a better understanding of what I truly believe in life, the morals I stand for, and what I hope to give back to this world.
I no longer identify myself through the eyes of others, their opinions, and the 'Kalla' I sometimes feel like I have to be in front of different people.
I'm more ready than ever before to live boldly the way I am.

What have you learned about your friends and family?
Like I mentioned in a previous question, when you're far away from home for an extended period of time, it becomes quite apparent who your real friends are and who truly loves you.
I know it's not easy to keep in touch with people when life gets busy and there is more than just time and distance between you. However, if you value a relationship you will make the effort and work hard
to keep it intact.
When you are far away from family for a long time you value those relationships much more as well. The petty arguments and things that once took place between you seem so pointless and dumb when their unconditional love and presence seems so distant and restricted by oceans and computer screens.

Are you going to write a book?
Ha! I am flattered by this question, and it's the honest truth that I dreamed of being an author some years ago. I just don't think I'm capable of anything like that, but who knows what could happen in years to come.


Big thanks to my friend Sara for these questions because I never would've been able to organize my thoughts without some kind of structure to follow tonight.

As always, thanks for reading and I can't wait to see you all again very soon! :)

Standing Tall (2,000 years)

This past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Madrid and Segovia, Spain with my host family and their friends. Below is a shot of me walking next to the 2,000 year old aqueduct that still stands in Segovia and something I wrote about it. I hope you enjoy. And as always, thanks for reading :)

Roman aqueduct in Segovia, Spain.

Flowing Water

Brick by brick.

Stone by Stone.

Making a life.

The weight of all reality.

I wonder the years it took.

the days they saw no end

the endless groans and whining

who persevered 

who tasted the victory of completion.

And once finished there it stood.

Just rocks some would say.

Something ordinary.

But these rocks brought life.

Through these rocks

the greatest thirst was quenched.

Through these rocks

the dirtiest grit was cleansed.

They washed away the old.

Restored the clean and pure.

A constant stream

It flowed for them all

Thousands of years

Reliable.

Time continues

And much has changed

But those rocks are remain solid and unmoved

A mystery they might say

How does it even work?

How simple stones could fit together 

How, as one, they could carry a stead stream of life

But I think I understand.

You see...

 I have a steady Rock too.

He is the stream of life

and His water flows for all. 

Reliable despite the years

He still stands tall.

Maybe I'm just a stone.

And you are too.

And we work year after year

sometimes with no end in sight

Lifted prayers are just complaints.

But I'm telling you my friends

Persevere. 

You too can taste victory at the completion.

For alone we are small and useless.

But together there is a greater plan.

Those at the top 

And the ones down below

Each designed for a purpose.

One useless without the other.

So together let's do our work.

Keep the end in mind.

For we are not just rocks.

But rocks from which Life may flow.

El Dia De la Madre

There is obviously a lot to be said on Mother's Day. Each of us has entered this world through our mothers and we've grown as they nurtured our bodies with care and our souls with love, since infancy.
On this Mother's Day I'm particularly grateful for everything my mother has sacrificed so that I could take advantage of every opportunity I've been given in life. While I grow and travel to new continents, I know that "home" is the place in my heart where the love for my mother will remain forever. She's given me more than just life, but also world full of adventures and the confidence to explore it.

To Be In The Best Company

How long have I been living with this host family? Three weeks, maybe? All I know is that I've fallen completely in love with them, and this year is coming to such a meaningful end.

After school yesterday I received letters from two of my good friends. Not many people have written me consistently this year but these two girls have, and as always, I was delighted to find the envelopes waiting for me. It's a beautiful thing to see how our letters have changed and developed throughout the year as we as people have grown and matured. And something as simple as ink on paper can can give you the temporary sensation of sitting down to a cup of coffee with a friend and catching up on your crazy lives... On the other hand, I can't wait to have those conversations face to face this summer when I'm back home with the ones I love.

Later in the evening, Emma came to Gata to spend the night at our house. Emma lived with this family before I did, so she's no stranger around here. Jaime, Maria, Emma, and I worked in the kitchen making brownies and chocolate covered strawberries while we chatted and enjoyed each other company. My host mom Vicky was out of town for work and as usual my host brother Jaime was at school in Valencia.

At 7:30 Emma went to basketball practice, Jaime went running, and Maria worked on some homework, so I had time to myself to skype my mom and tell her about my week.

Later we all regathered at the dinner table where we stayed for the next two and half hours telling stories, trying to remember state/country capitals (Let's just say our world geography skills are shameful) and talking about how Native Americans own most of the casinos in the U.S.  Jaime is without a doubt one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my entire life, and I'm learning more about the United States by living in his house than I have by living in New Jersey!!! haha
He said something like "there are random facts that you know, not because they are important or necessary in life, but simply because as a father your supposed to know them". Which is a philosophy that I totally agree with and get much amusement from. 

Let me give you an example.

My friend Julia Viola has this cool wax seal that she puts on every letter that she sends to me.

And when Jaime saw the letter on the table he nonchalantly named the royal French family to which the seal belonged. Is anyone else impressed here??? haha

So after hours of laughter and new knowledge, Vicky came home with their son Jaime and sat down to eat dinner. We all talked until roughly midnight when Emma and I headed off to bed with a smile on our faces, both saying "dude this is the best host family ever".

Emma and I were awake for another two hours talking in my room about things like college, and what we've learned this year, and some funny stories that we have from work experience.

And I fell asleep feeling blessed by the struggles and sacrifices I had to make this year because I like who I'm becoming and these relationships that I've made. And I'm overwhelmed by the fact that there is so much love to be found where ever you go in life despite how terrible this world may seem and the difficulties we face. 

A Violent Country

It's unfortunate that the only time people in Spain seem to talk about the United States is when tragedy or violence strikes and news becomes international. So all the talk these past few days has been about the bombing in Boston, poisoned letters sent to Obama and the senator, and explosion in Texas. If only you knew how crazy they think us Americans are... 

My host family is planning to visit Philadelphia and then Idaho to visit their daughter next month, so we've been discussing their trip a lot. 

Today, my host sister called me into the living room while she was watching tv and said "Look, another explosion in the United States." And even though the fire in Texas was an accident, it still raises questions, instills fear in people, and and weighs on our hearts to know that lives were lost. 

At the conclusion of the news broadcast Maria said "I don't want to go to the U.S." Which Vicky and I laughed at but could sense some real truth and fear in her words...

In other news, things are going really well with my new host family but I'm getting really excited as summer inches near. Both of my host parents are really great people and I love having intelligent conversations with them about education, religion, health, and of course all the latest news in the U.S. They make wonderful parents and also give me a lot of freedom. I never feel pressured to meet their expectations to be someone that I'm not or "the exchange student they wish to have" like I felt while living with my other two host families this year. I can just be me here.

My spanish is also improving by leap and bounds. I've been practicing my writing more and friends have commented on my progress. 

Two nights ago, at dinner, my host family asked me if I was bilingual before learning spanish. I said no. They thought that I picked up spanish so quickly because I'm used to speaking different languages and they complimented me by saying that I barely have an english accent when I speak. No one has ever told me that before and I almost couldn't believe it. I was so flattered and pleased to know that I've made progress here.

My spanish is still nowheres near perfect and I have many more mountains to climb before becoming fluent, but I don't feel stuck anymore. At a steady pace I'm continuing to learn.

In the mean time though, my english is not to be neglected. Looking back on my blogs from the beginning of the year, I've noticed that my writing doesn't read as well as it used to. Writing is something that I enjoy doing and I want to be good at it, which means I need to put in the work to improve.

Besides the "Days until calendar" that is in the double digits and slowly decreasing, I have a lot of other things on my mind that both add to my excitement and anxieties about coming home in June. My main concerns right now are about school work, what grades will transfer back to my high school, and whether or not I will have to take more summer classes in order to graduate on time with my class next year. I'm really not sure if this year abroad was worth it after seeing how much trouble I've caused myself and the extra time, money, and stress that has to be put into working out every bump in the road.

Seeing as our time is running out, Emma and I have also really been trying to enjoy our time together. I don't know when either of us will be able to visit each other in the coming years after we leave Spain. 

The weather has been reaching into the high 70's lately and we're taking advantage of our location near the beach, just hanging out, and being together. I don't know if I would've been able to last the whole year without Emma and it's sure gunna be tough to say goodbye.

!!!71 DAYS PEOPLE!!!

The Third and Final

This past friday marked my seven month anniversary here in Spain and on that day I moved from Denia to a small town called Gata, where I will be living with my third and final host family for the remainder of my school year.

Gata is an extremely tiny little town and our house is on a main road. All of the buildings along this street just look like a long, connected, concrete wall, with random doors on it. One of those random doors opens up to my home, though!

Moving in was a little tough again. I didn't feel completely heart broken or cry the way I did when I had to leave my first host family, but nonetheless, tough. Getting a new family, living in a new home, sleeping in a new bed, and adjusting to a new schedule is always uncomfortable at first for obvious reasons. 

While unpacking my suitcases I took a few breaks to stand by the window and watch the rain fall- to take a deep breath and appreciate things. This journey that I call my "exchange year" will be over in just twelve weeks and I've been so blessed along the way. I've faced challenges within this culture and faced challenges within myself, but it's all changed me for the better, and I'm so grateful for it all. 

My little house in Gata is absolutely beautiful inside and I'm so happy to be living here. Both of my host parents are doctors (one a dermatologist and the other a pulmonologist). They are very intelligent people and their personalities are reflected in the decor of the entire house. Everything is very antique, entire walls are covered in books, and there are clocks everywhere. Most of the furniture is dark stained wood, and like I said before, I just has a very old antique feel to it.

Maria is my younger host sister, and Jaime is my host brother who only comes home sometimes on the weekend because he lives at college.  The two of them have totally opposite personalities. Though in college, Jaime still acts like a young boy and is ALWAYS getting himself into trouble, but he really brings a sense of humor and joy into this more serious family. Maria is easy to get along with and very outspoken (when Jaime isn't speaking over her). But I like each of them very much and can't wait to get to know them more.

Also, here's a little fun fact for you: My host brother is the 4th Jaime in the lineage of men on his father's side of the family. I thought that was pretty cool.

Tomorrow is my last day of spring break and then school starts again which I am so not excited about. Things will be much different now that I live in another town and will have to get a ride back to Gata when my host parents get off work or take the train myself. It'll just be another learning experience though and I'm up for anything!   (:

Mary Kate & Me: The Road We've Taken

Two years ago, Mary Kate and I used to babysit our tennis couches' grandchildren . Once a week, while surrounded by five crazy kids, her and I discussed our dreams and aspirations to be exchange students, travel the world, and do great things with our lives. But such adventures and excitement seemed so far off in the future.

In those moments, during those conversations, on those stressful nights, traveling the world was the least of our worries. We were both fifteen years old. There was homework and chores to do, kids to babysit, and sports practices to be at. Our worries and tasks weren't any different from our classmates and friends our age... But somehow, now two years later, Mary Kate and I are both clearly on different paths and focusing on different things than our classmates.

I think it all comes down to this: We were once two young girls who knew what we wanted and made it happen. Instead of thinking the world revolved around us, we saw this amazing world full of life and adventures that had the potential to mold us into better young women, and we boldly stepped out into it.

Since those babysitting days, we've both lived abroad for a year and traveled to other countries. We've acquired the basic understanding of a second language and matured beyond our years from dealing with difficult situations and learning many life lessons. We've been forced out of our comfort zones. We've done weird and crazy things. We've made friendships with people from all over the world. I could go on forever telling you all the advantages of studying abroad. But it's not all fun and games either. When Mom and Dad are no longer protecting you from all the "bad guys" and "bad things" your picture of the world is drastically changed and so are you...

Mary Kate and I are both on spring break from school right now, and she came to visit her old host family in Spain. I was away at my family's beach house over the weekend and thought that we'd miss the chance to see each other, though. Luckily, Mary Kate and her friends rented out an apartment in Benidorm for a few days and I got permission to take a train (1hr 30min) down the coast to see them one day. The whole plan was thrown together at the last minute and we ran into a few challenges, but it all worked out in the end.

So this past Tuesday, Mary Kate and I spent the afternoon together in Benidorm, Spain. Just like old times we chatted about college and our future plans for traveling- well aware that things may turn out much differently than we think. God has a mysterious way of opening doors and leading us out into uncharted waters- to new places in the world and within our own souls that we never knew existed. But not knowing it all is what it makes the journey so exciting.

The whole day felt like a complete dream. Were we really together in Spain? Just eating frozen yogurt? Just speaking in spanish like we aren't thousands of miles from home?
We each were a reminder to one another of what this all really means- where we've come from and the road we had to take to get here.

"Que fuerte!" "Que fuerte, tía!!!!!" was all we could say to express everything we were feeling, because we both know that this is just the beginning to whatever the future holds. The beginning to a whole lot more...

Two young girls from a small little town. A ton of big dreams. And the will to fight for it all. 

That's where we found each other this week... under the warmth of the spanish sun.

Time Off

I was planning on posting another blog these past few weeks but I just haven't had the time.

My sister Danica came to visit me for Las Fallas two weeks ago and then I went to London on a trip with my school for 6 days. Spring break has just begun and I'm leaving this afternoon to go to my host families' beach house where there is no wifi. So again, I won't be able to post a blog. 

Next week when we return from the beach I will be packing up to switch host families for the last time. I'm actually leaving Denia and going to live with this family in a nearby town called Gata. I'll be taking the train to and from Denia each day to get to school- so that will surely be an interesting new experience. 

With just three months left, I'm ready to soak up the spanish sun and make the most of my remaining days.

I promise to write as soon as I can, but like I said, a lot is going on right now.

As always thank you for reading and for all of the support you continue to send me from home. 

Can't wait to see you all in a few months!

Fish what?

This morning when I woke up I was not excited to go out for lunch with my host family and their friends in a nearby town called Pego. They all speak in Valenciano, a language that mixes french and spanish, and I can barely follow the conversations let alone enjoy myself for the 5-7 hours that we usually spend with them.

Just after 1o'clock we went to Pego and I immediately plopped myself down on the couch to relax as the three kids ran into another room to play and the parents sat in the kitchen to have a beer. On these days I often wish that there was someone my age or at least another person that would speak Castilian spanish with me.

An hour later we walked through town to a small restaurant where we ordered "arroz pescado". Not only do I dislike fish, but I didn't have much of an appetite either. So up until this point, my day wasn't great due to a few thing that I didn't like and my poor attitude.

At one point, as we were waiting for our food, a song came on the restaurant that caught my attention. It was a harmonica and a country man's voice. I couldn't make out the words but I had one of those moments where I mentally took a step back from everything that was going on in that moment, listened to the beauty of the music, and said to myself "Kalla, you are in Spain. SPAIN. Let that sink in right now. You are about to eat a typical spanish meal that you haven't tried yet. Do not jump to conclusions and assume that you don't like it. Instead of being frustrated with Valenciano do your best to listen and chime in on the conversation when possible. You can be content with this day, but you have to choose right now."

Needless to say, I tried every dish that they put on the table. I loved the oysters. And ate half of a tiny fried fish... I still don't understand how everyone was just eating the whole thing with bones in it- I had to stop when the spine got stuck between my teeth. hahaha
Next came the rice with artichokes, tomato, peppers, oysters, squid, octopus, calamari, fish, and other ingredients that I couldn't identify. It was the moment of truth when I took a spoonful and bit into the consistency of each piece of seafood.

It. Was. Delicious.
I ate myself full and sipped on a delicious white wine the whole time.

I was only spoken to a few times all afternoon but I focused on the positive and had a few laughs while watching an English couple on the other side of the restaurant try to order their food in spanish ;)

Brain Pour

***Before I write today's blog I just had some stuff to get off my chest***

I've been living here for two months and I still feel so distant from this family.

My little sister always looks at me like I'm strange and I don't know how to please my host mother. 

Ana always makes comments that I've either eaten a lot or eaten too little. 

She tells me I've gained weight in my hips and that my face is rounder too.

As if I can't see that stupid scale every. single. day.

I've never struggled with my image before.

But every word, every number, it hurts more and more.

The weekends are always the same.

"No, I'm staying home" I tell Ana every Friday night.

I don't have plans. I don't have friends. Would you like to tell me something new?

I'm going to stay up until 2am listening to spoke word poetry and watching Ellen Degeneres re-runs.

On Saturday & Sunday morning I sleep till noon.

We eat with family and friends for lunch on those days.

I didn't think the Valenciano would be a problem, but now it drives me crazy.

I can barely grasp spanish and now they speak Valenciano?

I wish Ana would stop staring at me expecting words to magically come out of my mouth when I can't understand a single word that is being said in these conversations.

I can't deal with the nagging feeling that I'm wasting these days here in Spain.

So I go for walks and explore random places.

My favorite days are when it rains.

No one is outside and I can think aloud. 

I like my alone time. 

It's the first time in my life that I've had a chance to be a loner.

Can people just accept me for that inside of thinking I'm a failure as an exchange student?

Emma and I have made some type of routine out of the weekdays.

Lunch. Ice cream. Green tea. Movie.

I love my Chicago girl and the time we have together.

In school I sleep.

The curriculum is so over my head that I don't even know how to try anymore.

I'm worried to death about SAT's HSPA's and applying to college this fall.

At lunch time I wonder around the patio and pretend like I have someone to stand with.

Even the people I call "friends" don't really care when I disappear.

Danica is coming to visit me in 11 days.

Last night I was thinking about how long it's been since I've hugged anyone.

Ana and Marina were cuddling on the couch and my chest went empty.

I can't wait to throw my arms around Danica's waist.

Just hold on to someone that I love and loves me in return.

It's incredible what 6 months of loneliness can do to you.

In the beginning of the year I got letters and packages almost every other week.

Thank you Julia Viola and Mom for being faithful letter writers. 

I sorta predicted that from the start.

In some situations it's better that I didn't stay in touch with people.

There were some relationships in my life that I needed to let go of.   

I'm ready to enjoy the end of this year on exchange...

Danica is coming for a week.

London with Emma for a week.

Emma's family comes to visit.

Easter break.

Change host families.

and the last two months will be hot enough for BEACH BEACH BEACH everydayyyyyyyyy! :)

Video Blogging?

I recently made a Youtube channel where I've been uploading myself video blogging also known as "vlogging". So if my Facebook and blog aren't enough to keep you in the loop, or you'd just like to join me as I go for a walk or eat ice cream (both of which I do very often) then you can check out my videos at  http://www.youtube.com/bungusloofah. Otherwise, keep checking back for my latest written blogs here! And as always, thanks for your support everyone!

Healthy Choices

Living in today's modern world, we know how many things are grabbing us at the neck and consuming our lives. For me, it's the computer. And I'm getting sick of sitting in Spain wondering why my spanish isn't improving and why I'm getting so fat. So from here on out, I'm setting a few rules for the remainder of my days on exchange. 

-Computer time < 30min

- Journal

- Go outside

- Exercise

- Practice Spanish

-drink green tea

.....eat ice cream....

Just kidding about the last one ;)

Coming Home

Today, for the first time since we've changed host families, I returned to my first house to have lunch with Javier, Cristina, Gloria, and Elena.

At 12:30 Javier and Gloria picked me up in the city and the conversation flew effortlessly on our way to the house. Not only has my spanish improved, but we also had a whole month of things to catch up on. We drove that familiar route all the way to the wooden gate that opened to welcome us home. That's exactly what it felt like- I was coming home.

I ran into the house to hug and kiss Cristina and then it was Elena's turn. Oh how I love my little spanish sister and her hugs that turn into a death squeeze! They asked about my life with my new family and I asked about their new exchange student (who was out with a friend for the day).

I took a peak in my old room, and it felt strange to see someone else's belongings in a place that once felt so "mine"...

Emma came later for lunch and it was just like good old times. Elena got hyper and wouldn't stop laughing and Javier made my favorite German salad. The food was delicious, but you should never expect anything less when Javier and Cristina are cooking! We were reconnected and there was happiness in the air- the way it should be when you're surrounded by the ones you love.

After stuffing our faces with paella it was siesta time- and Javier is still recovering from jet lag from his trip to Mexico- so we all took our spots on the couch to watch a movie and stay warm by the fire.

The day was nothing too exciting. We just had lunch and then relaxed like a normal sunday afternoon, but that's exactly what I needed. Going back to a family that I love and a routine that is so familiar was like a breath of fresh air. I could relax, put my feet up on the coffee table, and say "Welcome to my spanish home."

Constant Change

Those of you who read my blog titled "Heart Wrenching" are probably wondering how things are going now with my new host family. Thankfully I that awfully depressing day came to an end, and I accepted the fact that the quicker I adjust to life with my new host family, then the faster I will feel comfortable and at ease. If you don't look for the positive potential in every situation- you will not survive as an exchange student. That is a fact.

Left to Right: Marina (little sister) Ana (Host mom) Kalla (You know me) Domingo (Host dad)

I have been living with my new host family for exactly 20 days now, and there is a lot to be said...

The first few days were rough- but that was the same all across the board for the exchange students who switched houses. Even now, I'm still adjusting to the routine of waking up earlier, walking 20 minutes to/from school, and keeping my room in impeccable condition to pass my host mom's inspection. Meal times are different. My host parent's also have different working schedules. I can no longer play tennis, so I'm trying to join a gym. I don't have the same "big sister feeling" with Marina that I did with Elena. Family dynamics are completely different. This host family has expectations of me (and I of them) which are not always met. Basically, it's like starting all over again: Square one.

I know that rotating host families is all part of the Rotary Youth Exchange experience, but it's really unpleasant to go from a family that you clicked with so well to a different family where you feel like two puzzle pieces are being forced together that do not belong: Even if you can somehow manage to squish them together, it will never be just right. And that's how I feel here... No matter how badly I want the pieces to fit together, I didn't make the puzzle...

The first weekend, we went to Barcelona. Emma came along too and that definitely created a strange atmosphere for me. As much as I love Emma, her presence reminded me that this was "her" family here in Spain and I was just a visitor. Ana also has a tendency to constantly compare Emma and I (in both positive and negative ways), and who likes being compared to someone else all the time? It hurts. You don't feel accepted for who you are. Those "unmet expectations" are magnified.

However, I did really enjoy my time in Barcelona. This trip was much different than the one that I took two years ago with my high school. We walked A TON, but it gave us a chance to see more of the city and soak it in. We also went inside of La Sagrada Familia, compared to two years ago when I only got pictures from outside.

The first week was like dodge ball: I was was bending over backwards to adjust to everything being thrown at me. But isn't the whole year like that?

Despite what my Rotary Counselor says, the "hard stuff" is not in the past. I can't speak for every exchange student, because we've all been dealt different cards and are living different experiences. But for me, every day is still hard. I am nowheres near being fluent in spanish, I don't have many friends, and school is increasingly miserable with each day that passes.

I came here with big ideas and dreams about what the year would be like. And nearly none of them have been fulfilled. That's okay though. If people could only see within me, then they would understand.

On the outside I look like a friendless loser who came to Spain but doesn't like to get wasted or smoke weed- and that's exactly how most people here see me...

But on the inside I have extremely complex thoughts and feelings that people don't understand. I don't even understand them half the time. All I know is that this year is something I know is necessary for my life. I wish it didn't come at the price of so many tears and so much loneliness, but so be it. I finally feel like my 17 years of life mean something. I feel like a defined person with boundaries, beliefs, and confidence.

In the past I identified myself by my group of friends, the sports I played, the family I came from, the country I live in. Who "I really was" and who "I was by belonging to those other categories" blurred together into a mixed person.

My year abroad though is forcing me to look within and draw distinct lines between where my soul and spiritual being ends and where the ways of the world begin.

After this long period of solitude, or what feels like persecution from certain people and this society, I no longer harbor any fear to return to my old life. I'm ready to live boldly for who I really am.

I now know how it feels to be the outsider. The wall flower. The one who blends in and can not be seen. It's given me time to pause and take an honest look at what is happening the world around me and the role that I play within it.

You know that this isn't easy. You know from my blogs that this is not just a year of pretty pictures. I have been honest and open with you all. But I don't want you to pity me for any of the difficulties that I share, because if I wanted it to end I could get on a plane at any moment. But here I stay.

Because this year is not an outward experience for me. Everything is happening within. It's not a piece of art that that will been seen with the eyes at it's completion. Rather it will be felt. How you ask?
In the way that I interact with everyone in my life. The way I show my appreciation and express my gratitude for everything that I cherish in life, because I've had this time away to know life without it.
And you'll know the difference by every step I take into the future.

Just wait.
Please be patient with me.
Because I promise that I will not be the same person when I return.
If only you could feel the inside of my chest everyday, you'd know the work of the Lord and the way He transforms his child with every breath.

Finding Life: Winter Weekend

Every single winter, for the past four years, I've gone to Lake Champion, New York for YoungLife winter weekend. And the fact that I am sitting in my bedroom an ocean away from all of my friends who are packing their bags and hopping on that bus this weekend... well... it's depressing.

Ever since my first visit to Lake Champion in 2009 my life has never been the same. And in the past four years that I have been a true believer in Christ, each year that I return to that camp I am filled with even more emotion and gratitude for my life, my Savior, and His many blessings.

My first weekend at Lake Champion took place when I was in 7th grade. Mrs. Seider, my former math teacher and Wyldlife leader, somehow convinced me to hop on this bus, spend a weekend with other middle schoolers, and listen a speaker talk about Jesus a few times.
 But something that may seem so boring and ordinary turned into a weekend that will remain with me for eternity. On the second night the whole camp had 20 minutes of silence outside after hearing about the crucifixion and the relationship that Jesus died to have with us.
Then, I was just a thirteen year old girl. But I sat on the freezing cold path overlooking the frozen lake and said my first prayer as a true believer, with tears streaming down my face and a heart that was longing for the love of the cross to restore my broken life.

Every year I pass by that spot near the lake and remember that little broken girl that was so desperately searching for love, acceptance, and fulfillment. Someone to trust. Someone to bear the burdens with me. Someone to be there when I felt so alone. Someone to know me inside and out- all the good and bad- and still love me unconditionally. And there in the frozen night, looking up at the bright moon, I found that person. I finally surrendered to The One who had been pursuing me all along saying, "I can be all that and more for you, my child."

Going to camp every year now isn't about accepting Jesus into my heart, because He's already there. Every twelve months though, I can go back to that familiar place as a mile stone and reflect on how much I've grown in my faith and the things that He has done in my life. But most of all, during the 20 minutes of silence, I like to take a moment to look around at the hundreds of kids sitting around that camp in silence, and pray for every soul that is coming Home to know their Father for the very first time...

...I know nothing more beautiful than that...

Have a great time this weekend, YoungLife! I will be praying for all of you, and for God to move mountains in the lives of every teenager that hears His wonderful news!

I love you guys!

Dance With Me

I'll never forget that summer day.

When the bright blue sky

Turned black and grey.

Feeling the sand under our feet

And with wild hair

We moved to the breeze

of the summer air.

Only 30% chance

weather.com said.

I lay back in the sun

and cleared my head.

That first boom of thunder 

I won't forget your face.

You jumped up

searching all over the place.

People were running.

Packing so fast.

But where to go?

It was sure to pass.

"This is dangerous"

"We'll die!"

you told me with fear.

I laughed.

Storm-chasing wouldn't be your career! 

But I assured you that soon

It would all be clear.

We stuffed our purses and clothes in the cooler.

It kept them dry.

The rain fell hard.

The umbrella was no use.

I was already wet.

There was nothing to loose.

Our adrenaline turned to excitement.

Your fear melted away.

There wasn't a thought in the world

beyond that moment. 

That day.

We screamed and danced.

Ignoring the pain.

How it pelted our bare skin

all that rain.

You picked up your chin.

We looked to the sky.

Palms wide open.

Hands held high.

Each droplet was blinding.

Our shouts arose.

But the joy was undeniable 

as we jumped on our toes.

They should have stayed.

The rest of the people that day.

The lightning was far off.

And we were safe.

From the initial fear

I'm glad we didn't run.

What a memory we made...

such a special one.

I'll never forget that day...

When we praised in the rain

Or the love in my heart...

For my girl Leah Jayne.

Heart Wrenching

The day is finally here.

Can it be that four months have already passed?

I closed my eyes and hit Snooze.

I'll miss this big fluffy bed of mine.

I shower for the last time in this shower.

I play with the little broken white tile on the floor with my big toe.

I use the last of my shampoo and body wash. Perfect timing.

I think back the beginning.

When my shampoo bottle was full.

The first day that I couldn't figure out how to use the shower head.

I laugh.

But that was ages ago.

I wrap myself in my towel. 

And stand on the circular rug.

I wipe the foggy mirror and look someone in the eyes.

They're not the same eyes that were looking back at me 4 months ago.

In this mirror I wiped my tears.

Rubbed my sleepy eyes.

Applied my makeup.

Straightened my hair as it slowly grew longer.

And the ends split.

I spoke to myself here.

I wondered about my own being.

I saw the progression of my body as it changed.

In my room I dress myself.

The rest is organized to be packed away.

I don't know where to begin.

I start anyway.

One suitcase is packed when Elena walks in.

She sits on my bed and watches me for a while.

She places my teeshirts in a pocket and zips it shut.

We're listening to music.

I can't remember what it was.

All I can think about is the little girl sitting on my bed.

A million memories running through my head.

I continue to pack.

Elena makes me breakfast.

I love her.

The maid says she needs to clean my room.

I return to the suitcases to finish my packing.

Elena and I squish the zippers down.

Teamwork.

And just like that my room is not longer my own.

It's empty.

Everything is piled in the dining room.

I've accumulated so many things.

Elena and I take Yaco for a walk.

He pulls so hard on the leash.

It makes me miss Bell.

I know she's stronger.

Elena holds my hand.

We talk the whole way.

She tells me not to leave.

I tell her I have no choice.

I love this little girl.

I want to hold her hand forever.

Our walk is over too soon.

We eat spaghetti with bacon bits.

My last super I suppose.

I remember my first lunch here.

It was a creamy lasagna on September 5th.

I learned the words for fork, knife, and spoon in spanish.

My first spanish lesson here.

Desert is an orange.

Gloria goes to the library to study for exams.

We say our goodbyes.

How do you say goodbye to a sister? 

I love her.

I choke back my tears.

I'm not leaving Spain.

We'll hang out again.

Those words provide no comfort though.

My heart hurts.

Back in my room everything is lifeless. 

It doesn't feel mine anymore.

I look to see where my things belong.

I remember those first days that I unpacked.

I relive the pain of every nightmare and tear in that room.

These four walls became my haven.

But that no longer stands.

My voice echoes in the emptiness.

I can't look at this any longer.

I grab my keys...

The* keys.

Are they still mine?

For these last few hours.

On my way down the street going to the beach,

I feel sick.

I don't want to go to the sea.

But I don't want to sit at home.

I keep walking anyway.

It's only 65 degrees but a man is tanning in a speedo. 

I find a different rock further down the path to sit.

I say a short prayer but I want to turn of my brain.

I hate thinking all the time.

I hate all this pain.

I go back home

Javier just left for work.

I missed him.

He calls me over the phone to say goodbye and good luck.

I hate myself for missing him.

But it would have been a hard goodbye.

I truly love him like a father.

Elena and I sleep on the couch for an hour.

It's time to leave.

In the car I can barely speak.

If I do I will cry.

I bring all my suitcases up to Emma's apartment.

Now it's mine.

Here we are.

3 Exchange students.

3 mothers.

I sit down with Emma and Yuki on the couch.

Emma puts her arm around me.

I cry into her.

I hate all this pain.

I just want to keep crying.

The girls help me carry my things to my room.

I don't want this.

I want to go home.

My home that's 10 minutes down the street by the beach.

That place is my home.

Not here.

This is Emma's room.

Not mine.

But I have to accept it.

Everything feels so strange.

The room is filled with mixed emotions.

None of us want to say goodbye.

The mothers chat.

Us exchange students express our anxiety and sadness.

It's time to say goodbye.

Elena squeezes me so hard and gives me a kiss.

Then Cristina.

I look at Elena again.

I pull her in close again.

I love this little girl.

"We will be sisters forever"

I say to her.

I mean every word.

I love her.

And then they're gone.

Down the elevator.

I watch them walk down the street with Yuki.

I'm jealous.

She's walking away with my family.

She'll be sleeping in my bed and sitting at my place at the table.

I have to stop.

Every emotion is so powerful.

Emma packs up her car with her new mom and leaves.

I hold it together until I get to my room.

3

2

1

And now I've lost it.

I unpack everything.

We eat dinner together.

Chicken caesar salad.

My new host mom buys anything I like to make me happy.

There's green tea in the cabinet too.

We talk about our schedules.

I'm in my room.

It's mine now.

Though my pillow says otherwise.

Emma's makeup has stained the pillow cover.

She cried here.

As do I.

Tomorrow I go back to school.

I have to walk across the city at 7:30 am.

I have to make a new routine.

I have to make a new life.

A new family.

A new home.

My Rotary Counselor calls to wish me good luck.

She's such a sweet woman.

But I'm so angry with her.

I blame my pain on her.

I blame it on Rotary.

For making us switch houses.

I try to end the conversation quickly.

I want to be alone.

I talk with family over Skype in New Jersey.

My old host family asks how I'm doing too.

I know I'll see them all soon.

I get off the computer to go to bed.

I go downstairs to say goodnight to everyone.

Only my host dad is still awake.

I head back to my room with a new sadness.

Cristina sends me a message on Facebook.

Elena just went to bed.

She yelled from her room,

"Mama, Papa, Gloria, y Camila, Buenas noches. Os quiero."

I here her voice in my mind.

I wish I could be there to say goodnight to her.

I love that little girl.

My new host sister has already gone to bed.

She didn't say goodnight to me.

I miss Elena.

It's almost midnight.

I've already fallen to my knees and said my prayers.

But the pain in my chest is only increasing.

I don't want to sleep though.

But I don't want to stay awake.

How many lives do I have to walk away from.

How much pain is it going to take?

Count the goodbyes, and tell me how many there will be.

Lord renew me.

Let this day come to an end.