Brain Pour

***Before I write today's blog I just had some stuff to get off my chest***

I've been living here for two months and I still feel so distant from this family.

My little sister always looks at me like I'm strange and I don't know how to please my host mother. 

Ana always makes comments that I've either eaten a lot or eaten too little. 

She tells me I've gained weight in my hips and that my face is rounder too.

As if I can't see that stupid scale every. single. day.

I've never struggled with my image before.

But every word, every number, it hurts more and more.

The weekends are always the same.

"No, I'm staying home" I tell Ana every Friday night.

I don't have plans. I don't have friends. Would you like to tell me something new?

I'm going to stay up until 2am listening to spoke word poetry and watching Ellen Degeneres re-runs.

On Saturday & Sunday morning I sleep till noon.

We eat with family and friends for lunch on those days.

I didn't think the Valenciano would be a problem, but now it drives me crazy.

I can barely grasp spanish and now they speak Valenciano?

I wish Ana would stop staring at me expecting words to magically come out of my mouth when I can't understand a single word that is being said in these conversations.

I can't deal with the nagging feeling that I'm wasting these days here in Spain.

So I go for walks and explore random places.

My favorite days are when it rains.

No one is outside and I can think aloud. 

I like my alone time. 

It's the first time in my life that I've had a chance to be a loner.

Can people just accept me for that inside of thinking I'm a failure as an exchange student?

Emma and I have made some type of routine out of the weekdays.

Lunch. Ice cream. Green tea. Movie.

I love my Chicago girl and the time we have together.

In school I sleep.

The curriculum is so over my head that I don't even know how to try anymore.

I'm worried to death about SAT's HSPA's and applying to college this fall.

At lunch time I wonder around the patio and pretend like I have someone to stand with.

Even the people I call "friends" don't really care when I disappear.

Danica is coming to visit me in 11 days.

Last night I was thinking about how long it's been since I've hugged anyone.

Ana and Marina were cuddling on the couch and my chest went empty.

I can't wait to throw my arms around Danica's waist.

Just hold on to someone that I love and loves me in return.

It's incredible what 6 months of loneliness can do to you.

In the beginning of the year I got letters and packages almost every other week.

Thank you Julia Viola and Mom for being faithful letter writers. 

I sorta predicted that from the start.

In some situations it's better that I didn't stay in touch with people.

There were some relationships in my life that I needed to let go of.   

I'm ready to enjoy the end of this year on exchange...

Danica is coming for a week.

London with Emma for a week.

Emma's family comes to visit.

Easter break.

Change host families.

and the last two months will be hot enough for BEACH BEACH BEACH everydayyyyyyyyy! :)