Heart Wrenching

The day is finally here.

Can it be that four months have already passed?

I closed my eyes and hit Snooze.

I'll miss this big fluffy bed of mine.

I shower for the last time in this shower.

I play with the little broken white tile on the floor with my big toe.

I use the last of my shampoo and body wash. Perfect timing.

I think back the beginning.

When my shampoo bottle was full.

The first day that I couldn't figure out how to use the shower head.

I laugh.

But that was ages ago.

I wrap myself in my towel. 

And stand on the circular rug.

I wipe the foggy mirror and look someone in the eyes.

They're not the same eyes that were looking back at me 4 months ago.

In this mirror I wiped my tears.

Rubbed my sleepy eyes.

Applied my makeup.

Straightened my hair as it slowly grew longer.

And the ends split.

I spoke to myself here.

I wondered about my own being.

I saw the progression of my body as it changed.

In my room I dress myself.

The rest is organized to be packed away.

I don't know where to begin.

I start anyway.

One suitcase is packed when Elena walks in.

She sits on my bed and watches me for a while.

She places my teeshirts in a pocket and zips it shut.

We're listening to music.

I can't remember what it was.

All I can think about is the little girl sitting on my bed.

A million memories running through my head.

I continue to pack.

Elena makes me breakfast.

I love her.

The maid says she needs to clean my room.

I return to the suitcases to finish my packing.

Elena and I squish the zippers down.

Teamwork.

And just like that my room is not longer my own.

It's empty.

Everything is piled in the dining room.

I've accumulated so many things.

Elena and I take Yaco for a walk.

He pulls so hard on the leash.

It makes me miss Bell.

I know she's stronger.

Elena holds my hand.

We talk the whole way.

She tells me not to leave.

I tell her I have no choice.

I love this little girl.

I want to hold her hand forever.

Our walk is over too soon.

We eat spaghetti with bacon bits.

My last super I suppose.

I remember my first lunch here.

It was a creamy lasagna on September 5th.

I learned the words for fork, knife, and spoon in spanish.

My first spanish lesson here.

Desert is an orange.

Gloria goes to the library to study for exams.

We say our goodbyes.

How do you say goodbye to a sister? 

I love her.

I choke back my tears.

I'm not leaving Spain.

We'll hang out again.

Those words provide no comfort though.

My heart hurts.

Back in my room everything is lifeless. 

It doesn't feel mine anymore.

I look to see where my things belong.

I remember those first days that I unpacked.

I relive the pain of every nightmare and tear in that room.

These four walls became my haven.

But that no longer stands.

My voice echoes in the emptiness.

I can't look at this any longer.

I grab my keys...

The* keys.

Are they still mine?

For these last few hours.

On my way down the street going to the beach,

I feel sick.

I don't want to go to the sea.

But I don't want to sit at home.

I keep walking anyway.

It's only 65 degrees but a man is tanning in a speedo. 

I find a different rock further down the path to sit.

I say a short prayer but I want to turn of my brain.

I hate thinking all the time.

I hate all this pain.

I go back home

Javier just left for work.

I missed him.

He calls me over the phone to say goodbye and good luck.

I hate myself for missing him.

But it would have been a hard goodbye.

I truly love him like a father.

Elena and I sleep on the couch for an hour.

It's time to leave.

In the car I can barely speak.

If I do I will cry.

I bring all my suitcases up to Emma's apartment.

Now it's mine.

Here we are.

3 Exchange students.

3 mothers.

I sit down with Emma and Yuki on the couch.

Emma puts her arm around me.

I cry into her.

I hate all this pain.

I just want to keep crying.

The girls help me carry my things to my room.

I don't want this.

I want to go home.

My home that's 10 minutes down the street by the beach.

That place is my home.

Not here.

This is Emma's room.

Not mine.

But I have to accept it.

Everything feels so strange.

The room is filled with mixed emotions.

None of us want to say goodbye.

The mothers chat.

Us exchange students express our anxiety and sadness.

It's time to say goodbye.

Elena squeezes me so hard and gives me a kiss.

Then Cristina.

I look at Elena again.

I pull her in close again.

I love this little girl.

"We will be sisters forever"

I say to her.

I mean every word.

I love her.

And then they're gone.

Down the elevator.

I watch them walk down the street with Yuki.

I'm jealous.

She's walking away with my family.

She'll be sleeping in my bed and sitting at my place at the table.

I have to stop.

Every emotion is so powerful.

Emma packs up her car with her new mom and leaves.

I hold it together until I get to my room.

3

2

1

And now I've lost it.

I unpack everything.

We eat dinner together.

Chicken caesar salad.

My new host mom buys anything I like to make me happy.

There's green tea in the cabinet too.

We talk about our schedules.

I'm in my room.

It's mine now.

Though my pillow says otherwise.

Emma's makeup has stained the pillow cover.

She cried here.

As do I.

Tomorrow I go back to school.

I have to walk across the city at 7:30 am.

I have to make a new routine.

I have to make a new life.

A new family.

A new home.

My Rotary Counselor calls to wish me good luck.

She's such a sweet woman.

But I'm so angry with her.

I blame my pain on her.

I blame it on Rotary.

For making us switch houses.

I try to end the conversation quickly.

I want to be alone.

I talk with family over Skype in New Jersey.

My old host family asks how I'm doing too.

I know I'll see them all soon.

I get off the computer to go to bed.

I go downstairs to say goodnight to everyone.

Only my host dad is still awake.

I head back to my room with a new sadness.

Cristina sends me a message on Facebook.

Elena just went to bed.

She yelled from her room,

"Mama, Papa, Gloria, y Camila, Buenas noches. Os quiero."

I here her voice in my mind.

I wish I could be there to say goodnight to her.

I love that little girl.

My new host sister has already gone to bed.

She didn't say goodnight to me.

I miss Elena.

It's almost midnight.

I've already fallen to my knees and said my prayers.

But the pain in my chest is only increasing.

I don't want to sleep though.

But I don't want to stay awake.

How many lives do I have to walk away from.

How much pain is it going to take?

Count the goodbyes, and tell me how many there will be.

Lord renew me.

Let this day come to an end.