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| Left to Right: Marina (little sister) Ana (Host mom) Kalla (You know me) Domingo (Host dad) |
The first few days were rough- but that was the same all across the board for the exchange students who switched houses. Even now, I'm still adjusting to the routine of waking up earlier, walking 20 minutes to/from school, and keeping my room in impeccable condition to pass my host mom's inspection. Meal times are different. My host parent's also have different working schedules. I can no longer play tennis, so I'm trying to join a gym. I don't have the same "big sister feeling" with Marina that I did with Elena. Family dynamics are completely different. This host family has expectations of me (and I of them) which are not always met. Basically, it's like starting all over again: Square one.
I know that rotating host families is all part of the Rotary Youth Exchange experience, but it's really unpleasant to go from a family that you clicked with so well to a different family where you feel like two puzzle pieces are being forced together that do not belong: Even if you can somehow manage to squish them together, it will never be just right. And that's how I feel here... No matter how badly I want the pieces to fit together, I didn't make the puzzle...
The first weekend, we went to Barcelona. Emma came along too and that definitely created a strange atmosphere for me. As much as I love Emma, her presence reminded me that this was "her" family here in Spain and I was just a visitor. Ana also has a tendency to constantly compare Emma and I (in both positive and negative ways), and who likes being compared to someone else all the time? It hurts. You don't feel accepted for who you are. Those "unmet expectations" are magnified.
However, I did really enjoy my time in Barcelona. This trip was much different than the one that I took two years ago with my high school. We walked A TON, but it gave us a chance to see more of the city and soak it in. We also went inside of La Sagrada Familia, compared to two years ago when I only got pictures from outside.
The first week was like dodge ball: I was was bending over backwards to adjust to everything being thrown at me. But isn't the whole year like that?
Despite what my Rotary Counselor says, the "hard stuff" is not in the past. I can't speak for every exchange student, because we've all been dealt different cards and are living different experiences. But for me, every day is still hard. I am nowheres near being fluent in spanish, I don't have many friends, and school is increasingly miserable with each day that passes.
I came here with big ideas and dreams about what the year would be like. And nearly none of them have been fulfilled. That's okay though. If people could only see within me, then they would understand.
On the outside I look like a friendless loser who came to Spain but doesn't like to get wasted or smoke weed- and that's exactly how most people here see me...
But on the inside I have extremely complex thoughts and feelings that people don't understand. I don't even understand them half the time. All I know is that this year is something I know is necessary for my life. I wish it didn't come at the price of so many tears and so much loneliness, but so be it. I finally feel like my 17 years of life mean something. I feel like a defined person with boundaries, beliefs, and confidence.
In the past I identified myself by my group of friends, the sports I played, the family I came from, the country I live in. Who "I really was" and who "I was by belonging to those other categories" blurred together into a mixed person.
My year abroad though is forcing me to look within and draw distinct lines between where my soul and spiritual being ends and where the ways of the world begin.
After this long period of solitude, or what feels like persecution from certain people and this society, I no longer harbor any fear to return to my old life. I'm ready to live boldly for who I really am.
I now know how it feels to be the outsider. The wall flower. The one who blends in and can not be seen. It's given me time to pause and take an honest look at what is happening the world around me and the role that I play within it.
You know that this isn't easy. You know from my blogs that this is not just a year of pretty pictures. I have been honest and open with you all. But I don't want you to pity me for any of the difficulties that I share, because if I wanted it to end I could get on a plane at any moment. But here I stay.
Because this year is not an outward experience for me. Everything is happening within. It's not a piece of art that that will been seen with the eyes at it's completion. Rather it will be felt. How you ask?
In the way that I interact with everyone in my life. The way I show my appreciation and express my gratitude for everything that I cherish in life, because I've had this time away to know life without it.
And you'll know the difference by every step I take into the future.
Just wait.
Please be patient with me.
Because I promise that I will not be the same person when I return.
If only you could feel the inside of my chest everyday, you'd know the work of the Lord and the way He transforms his child with every breath.
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