Constant Change

Those of you who read my blog titled "Heart Wrenching" are probably wondering how things are going now with my new host family. Thankfully I that awfully depressing day came to an end, and I accepted the fact that the quicker I adjust to life with my new host family, then the faster I will feel comfortable and at ease. If you don't look for the positive potential in every situation- you will not survive as an exchange student. That is a fact.

Left to Right: Marina (little sister) Ana (Host mom) Kalla (You know me) Domingo (Host dad)

I have been living with my new host family for exactly 20 days now, and there is a lot to be said...

The first few days were rough- but that was the same all across the board for the exchange students who switched houses. Even now, I'm still adjusting to the routine of waking up earlier, walking 20 minutes to/from school, and keeping my room in impeccable condition to pass my host mom's inspection. Meal times are different. My host parent's also have different working schedules. I can no longer play tennis, so I'm trying to join a gym. I don't have the same "big sister feeling" with Marina that I did with Elena. Family dynamics are completely different. This host family has expectations of me (and I of them) which are not always met. Basically, it's like starting all over again: Square one.

I know that rotating host families is all part of the Rotary Youth Exchange experience, but it's really unpleasant to go from a family that you clicked with so well to a different family where you feel like two puzzle pieces are being forced together that do not belong: Even if you can somehow manage to squish them together, it will never be just right. And that's how I feel here... No matter how badly I want the pieces to fit together, I didn't make the puzzle...

The first weekend, we went to Barcelona. Emma came along too and that definitely created a strange atmosphere for me. As much as I love Emma, her presence reminded me that this was "her" family here in Spain and I was just a visitor. Ana also has a tendency to constantly compare Emma and I (in both positive and negative ways), and who likes being compared to someone else all the time? It hurts. You don't feel accepted for who you are. Those "unmet expectations" are magnified.

However, I did really enjoy my time in Barcelona. This trip was much different than the one that I took two years ago with my high school. We walked A TON, but it gave us a chance to see more of the city and soak it in. We also went inside of La Sagrada Familia, compared to two years ago when I only got pictures from outside.

The first week was like dodge ball: I was was bending over backwards to adjust to everything being thrown at me. But isn't the whole year like that?

Despite what my Rotary Counselor says, the "hard stuff" is not in the past. I can't speak for every exchange student, because we've all been dealt different cards and are living different experiences. But for me, every day is still hard. I am nowheres near being fluent in spanish, I don't have many friends, and school is increasingly miserable with each day that passes.

I came here with big ideas and dreams about what the year would be like. And nearly none of them have been fulfilled. That's okay though. If people could only see within me, then they would understand.

On the outside I look like a friendless loser who came to Spain but doesn't like to get wasted or smoke weed- and that's exactly how most people here see me...

But on the inside I have extremely complex thoughts and feelings that people don't understand. I don't even understand them half the time. All I know is that this year is something I know is necessary for my life. I wish it didn't come at the price of so many tears and so much loneliness, but so be it. I finally feel like my 17 years of life mean something. I feel like a defined person with boundaries, beliefs, and confidence.

In the past I identified myself by my group of friends, the sports I played, the family I came from, the country I live in. Who "I really was" and who "I was by belonging to those other categories" blurred together into a mixed person.

My year abroad though is forcing me to look within and draw distinct lines between where my soul and spiritual being ends and where the ways of the world begin.

After this long period of solitude, or what feels like persecution from certain people and this society, I no longer harbor any fear to return to my old life. I'm ready to live boldly for who I really am.

I now know how it feels to be the outsider. The wall flower. The one who blends in and can not be seen. It's given me time to pause and take an honest look at what is happening the world around me and the role that I play within it.

You know that this isn't easy. You know from my blogs that this is not just a year of pretty pictures. I have been honest and open with you all. But I don't want you to pity me for any of the difficulties that I share, because if I wanted it to end I could get on a plane at any moment. But here I stay.

Because this year is not an outward experience for me. Everything is happening within. It's not a piece of art that that will been seen with the eyes at it's completion. Rather it will be felt. How you ask?
In the way that I interact with everyone in my life. The way I show my appreciation and express my gratitude for everything that I cherish in life, because I've had this time away to know life without it.
And you'll know the difference by every step I take into the future.

Just wait.
Please be patient with me.
Because I promise that I will not be the same person when I return.
If only you could feel the inside of my chest everyday, you'd know the work of the Lord and the way He transforms his child with every breath.

Finding Life: Winter Weekend

Every single winter, for the past four years, I've gone to Lake Champion, New York for YoungLife winter weekend. And the fact that I am sitting in my bedroom an ocean away from all of my friends who are packing their bags and hopping on that bus this weekend... well... it's depressing.

Ever since my first visit to Lake Champion in 2009 my life has never been the same. And in the past four years that I have been a true believer in Christ, each year that I return to that camp I am filled with even more emotion and gratitude for my life, my Savior, and His many blessings.

My first weekend at Lake Champion took place when I was in 7th grade. Mrs. Seider, my former math teacher and Wyldlife leader, somehow convinced me to hop on this bus, spend a weekend with other middle schoolers, and listen a speaker talk about Jesus a few times.
 But something that may seem so boring and ordinary turned into a weekend that will remain with me for eternity. On the second night the whole camp had 20 minutes of silence outside after hearing about the crucifixion and the relationship that Jesus died to have with us.
Then, I was just a thirteen year old girl. But I sat on the freezing cold path overlooking the frozen lake and said my first prayer as a true believer, with tears streaming down my face and a heart that was longing for the love of the cross to restore my broken life.

Every year I pass by that spot near the lake and remember that little broken girl that was so desperately searching for love, acceptance, and fulfillment. Someone to trust. Someone to bear the burdens with me. Someone to be there when I felt so alone. Someone to know me inside and out- all the good and bad- and still love me unconditionally. And there in the frozen night, looking up at the bright moon, I found that person. I finally surrendered to The One who had been pursuing me all along saying, "I can be all that and more for you, my child."

Going to camp every year now isn't about accepting Jesus into my heart, because He's already there. Every twelve months though, I can go back to that familiar place as a mile stone and reflect on how much I've grown in my faith and the things that He has done in my life. But most of all, during the 20 minutes of silence, I like to take a moment to look around at the hundreds of kids sitting around that camp in silence, and pray for every soul that is coming Home to know their Father for the very first time...

...I know nothing more beautiful than that...

Have a great time this weekend, YoungLife! I will be praying for all of you, and for God to move mountains in the lives of every teenager that hears His wonderful news!

I love you guys!

Dance With Me

I'll never forget that summer day.

When the bright blue sky

Turned black and grey.

Feeling the sand under our feet

And with wild hair

We moved to the breeze

of the summer air.

Only 30% chance

weather.com said.

I lay back in the sun

and cleared my head.

That first boom of thunder 

I won't forget your face.

You jumped up

searching all over the place.

People were running.

Packing so fast.

But where to go?

It was sure to pass.

"This is dangerous"

"We'll die!"

you told me with fear.

I laughed.

Storm-chasing wouldn't be your career! 

But I assured you that soon

It would all be clear.

We stuffed our purses and clothes in the cooler.

It kept them dry.

The rain fell hard.

The umbrella was no use.

I was already wet.

There was nothing to loose.

Our adrenaline turned to excitement.

Your fear melted away.

There wasn't a thought in the world

beyond that moment. 

That day.

We screamed and danced.

Ignoring the pain.

How it pelted our bare skin

all that rain.

You picked up your chin.

We looked to the sky.

Palms wide open.

Hands held high.

Each droplet was blinding.

Our shouts arose.

But the joy was undeniable 

as we jumped on our toes.

They should have stayed.

The rest of the people that day.

The lightning was far off.

And we were safe.

From the initial fear

I'm glad we didn't run.

What a memory we made...

such a special one.

I'll never forget that day...

When we praised in the rain

Or the love in my heart...

For my girl Leah Jayne.

Heart Wrenching

The day is finally here.

Can it be that four months have already passed?

I closed my eyes and hit Snooze.

I'll miss this big fluffy bed of mine.

I shower for the last time in this shower.

I play with the little broken white tile on the floor with my big toe.

I use the last of my shampoo and body wash. Perfect timing.

I think back the beginning.

When my shampoo bottle was full.

The first day that I couldn't figure out how to use the shower head.

I laugh.

But that was ages ago.

I wrap myself in my towel. 

And stand on the circular rug.

I wipe the foggy mirror and look someone in the eyes.

They're not the same eyes that were looking back at me 4 months ago.

In this mirror I wiped my tears.

Rubbed my sleepy eyes.

Applied my makeup.

Straightened my hair as it slowly grew longer.

And the ends split.

I spoke to myself here.

I wondered about my own being.

I saw the progression of my body as it changed.

In my room I dress myself.

The rest is organized to be packed away.

I don't know where to begin.

I start anyway.

One suitcase is packed when Elena walks in.

She sits on my bed and watches me for a while.

She places my teeshirts in a pocket and zips it shut.

We're listening to music.

I can't remember what it was.

All I can think about is the little girl sitting on my bed.

A million memories running through my head.

I continue to pack.

Elena makes me breakfast.

I love her.

The maid says she needs to clean my room.

I return to the suitcases to finish my packing.

Elena and I squish the zippers down.

Teamwork.

And just like that my room is not longer my own.

It's empty.

Everything is piled in the dining room.

I've accumulated so many things.

Elena and I take Yaco for a walk.

He pulls so hard on the leash.

It makes me miss Bell.

I know she's stronger.

Elena holds my hand.

We talk the whole way.

She tells me not to leave.

I tell her I have no choice.

I love this little girl.

I want to hold her hand forever.

Our walk is over too soon.

We eat spaghetti with bacon bits.

My last super I suppose.

I remember my first lunch here.

It was a creamy lasagna on September 5th.

I learned the words for fork, knife, and spoon in spanish.

My first spanish lesson here.

Desert is an orange.

Gloria goes to the library to study for exams.

We say our goodbyes.

How do you say goodbye to a sister? 

I love her.

I choke back my tears.

I'm not leaving Spain.

We'll hang out again.

Those words provide no comfort though.

My heart hurts.

Back in my room everything is lifeless. 

It doesn't feel mine anymore.

I look to see where my things belong.

I remember those first days that I unpacked.

I relive the pain of every nightmare and tear in that room.

These four walls became my haven.

But that no longer stands.

My voice echoes in the emptiness.

I can't look at this any longer.

I grab my keys...

The* keys.

Are they still mine?

For these last few hours.

On my way down the street going to the beach,

I feel sick.

I don't want to go to the sea.

But I don't want to sit at home.

I keep walking anyway.

It's only 65 degrees but a man is tanning in a speedo. 

I find a different rock further down the path to sit.

I say a short prayer but I want to turn of my brain.

I hate thinking all the time.

I hate all this pain.

I go back home

Javier just left for work.

I missed him.

He calls me over the phone to say goodbye and good luck.

I hate myself for missing him.

But it would have been a hard goodbye.

I truly love him like a father.

Elena and I sleep on the couch for an hour.

It's time to leave.

In the car I can barely speak.

If I do I will cry.

I bring all my suitcases up to Emma's apartment.

Now it's mine.

Here we are.

3 Exchange students.

3 mothers.

I sit down with Emma and Yuki on the couch.

Emma puts her arm around me.

I cry into her.

I hate all this pain.

I just want to keep crying.

The girls help me carry my things to my room.

I don't want this.

I want to go home.

My home that's 10 minutes down the street by the beach.

That place is my home.

Not here.

This is Emma's room.

Not mine.

But I have to accept it.

Everything feels so strange.

The room is filled with mixed emotions.

None of us want to say goodbye.

The mothers chat.

Us exchange students express our anxiety and sadness.

It's time to say goodbye.

Elena squeezes me so hard and gives me a kiss.

Then Cristina.

I look at Elena again.

I pull her in close again.

I love this little girl.

"We will be sisters forever"

I say to her.

I mean every word.

I love her.

And then they're gone.

Down the elevator.

I watch them walk down the street with Yuki.

I'm jealous.

She's walking away with my family.

She'll be sleeping in my bed and sitting at my place at the table.

I have to stop.

Every emotion is so powerful.

Emma packs up her car with her new mom and leaves.

I hold it together until I get to my room.

3

2

1

And now I've lost it.

I unpack everything.

We eat dinner together.

Chicken caesar salad.

My new host mom buys anything I like to make me happy.

There's green tea in the cabinet too.

We talk about our schedules.

I'm in my room.

It's mine now.

Though my pillow says otherwise.

Emma's makeup has stained the pillow cover.

She cried here.

As do I.

Tomorrow I go back to school.

I have to walk across the city at 7:30 am.

I have to make a new routine.

I have to make a new life.

A new family.

A new home.

My Rotary Counselor calls to wish me good luck.

She's such a sweet woman.

But I'm so angry with her.

I blame my pain on her.

I blame it on Rotary.

For making us switch houses.

I try to end the conversation quickly.

I want to be alone.

I talk with family over Skype in New Jersey.

My old host family asks how I'm doing too.

I know I'll see them all soon.

I get off the computer to go to bed.

I go downstairs to say goodnight to everyone.

Only my host dad is still awake.

I head back to my room with a new sadness.

Cristina sends me a message on Facebook.

Elena just went to bed.

She yelled from her room,

"Mama, Papa, Gloria, y Camila, Buenas noches. Os quiero."

I here her voice in my mind.

I wish I could be there to say goodnight to her.

I love that little girl.

My new host sister has already gone to bed.

She didn't say goodnight to me.

I miss Elena.

It's almost midnight.

I've already fallen to my knees and said my prayers.

But the pain in my chest is only increasing.

I don't want to sleep though.

But I don't want to stay awake.

How many lives do I have to walk away from.

How much pain is it going to take?

Count the goodbyes, and tell me how many there will be.

Lord renew me.

Let this day come to an end.

A Year In Review

Happy New Year everyone! 

I'm behind on blogs (as usual) and will be filling you in soon about my

 New Year's Eve and Three Kings Day here in España.

First, though, I'd like to share 12 special events from 2012.

It was a year full of so much love, happiness, and new wisdom to propel me forward in life.

I can't thank you all enough for being apart of my year and every day that we continue into the future together.

New Years Eve 2011-2012
Spending my first moments of the year with the greatest friends I could ask for.

Lake Champion- Winter Weekend & sharing in the joy of watching others meet Christ!

Being rewarded for another amazing year of tennis with my tennis sister/doubles partner.

Timber Creek Prom/prom weekend, one of the best nights/weekends EVER! :)

Training and finally running the 4th of July race with Annie!

RockBridge summer camp with an amazing cabin of girls..

And the whirlpool where we almost lost our lives!!! haha

So many baptisms- Heather, Trey, Mom, and Me.

Saying goodbye to one family...

and Hello to another.

Meeting this girl thousands of miles away from our homes.

And finishing it all up by spending December 30th on the Mediterranean.

All that and so much more... 2012 was an awesome year but 2013 is going to be even better!!