Finding Closure

24/7 I'm thinking about my approaching return home date and the 10 months that have led up to it.
I daydream about the adventures, laughs, and lessons that filled this year with excitement and meaning from the very start. I've been reflecting on my relationships with people here in Spain and back home, wondering who I'll stay in touch with and how I'll pick up with old friends when I return. But more than anything I've been taking a good hard look within myself. My journals and blogs are evidence of the constant change, growth, and struggles that defined my year abroad and continue to define me and the woman I'm becoming.

When I close my eyes I relive vivid memories from this year of both pain and joy that truly struck me at the core and awoke a stronger sense of what it means to experience all that life has to offer. To be completely honest, this year has been an absolutely beautiful mess. We post on Facebook and twitter the best we've got, the pretties pictures, and highlights of our lives, but the truth includes so much more than what is put on display for the rest of the world to see. And what might not alway be evident in what you see about my exchange is that this year has be the most challenging, demanding, and eyeopening year of my entire life. I hope that I've been open and transparent enough with you all through my blogs these past months because it's been an experience worthy of sharing.

In more recent events A LOT has been happening that I just haven't had the patients or clarity of mind to write to you guys, but tonight I'll give it my best shot.

In the end of May I went to live with my best friend Emma for a week while my host family was out of town. Every day we'd come home from school at 2pm, eat lunch, tan and then rest inside with a cup of tea and watch a movie. We were basically living the life that week and almost every conversation was very reminiscent of this entire year. Despite every challenge these houses have become our homes, these people our families, and these cities our land. In just nine months Emma and I have gotten to know each other so well along the journey of getting to know ourselves, and I find it unbearable to think of saying goodbye to her in such a short amount of time. We are well aware that we were only given a sliver of time together but the confusion of disbelief has me tangled up in mixed emotions about everything lately.

To help me summarize myself better Im going to use questions that a friend asked me in a recent letter. I figured some of you might be wondering the same things, too. So here goes:

What have been your biggest struggles?
During each step of my year abroad I struggled with different things. At first it was just the shock of such a dramatic change. I had to learn how to communicate in a foreign language, make new friends, get accustomed to different time schedules, get a long with a group of strangers that were considered my 'family', learn how to be more independent, and open my mind in new ways that were necessary to survive cultural differences. The battle lines were never drawn and I never got a break because I struggled with myself, too. Sometimes my logic and feelings were at war with each other. And even more often I was enveloped in my own self criticism and spiritual convictions that pushed me to keep fighting through the trials. I believed there was a mountain top even when the climb looked endless and now I'm almost there.

What are you most scared of when you get back?
This summer and the coming school year are going to continue to challenge me in my personal and academic life. And I have two major concerns. First of all, I'm extremely afraid of my academic situation because I've fallen behind on credits and my senior year is going to be a heavy workload. Worst comes to worst and I'll repeat my junior year- but we're praying really hard that that won't happen. My second biggest worry is coming home and feeling like I don't have a place to belong anymore. People grow and change a lot in ten months, and I know that I won't be able to pick up with them the same way I left. But I'm not naive to the fact that I won't be able to 'pick up' again at all with some people. Spring cleaning is to reorganize your house but a year abroad helps you reorganize your life and see both what and who you need around.

What are some things you're really going to miss?
Hmmm..
Without a doubt I'll miss the host families that I bonded with so much in the few months that I got to live with each of them. I'll miss the food (especially puchero) and the perfect climate that makes beach days possible almost all year round. I'll miss some of the kids in my class and getting to know their unique and funny personalities. I'll also look back on this year in Spain and long for the hours of free time and relaxation that I've been blessed with. I've enjoyed the time that I get to spend by myself and feeling at peace in my own company. Above all I'll miss Emma though...

What have you learned about yourself?
This question has an infinite number of answers which will only multiply as years go on and I look back on my exchange with more wisdom and maturity.
So for that reason I hope you don't mind if I make this response quick and short...
I've learned how to balance things in my life (in every aspect) more than ever before.
I've also become more willing to both recognize and then fix my faults and errors.
Lastly, I have a better understanding of what I truly believe in life, the morals I stand for, and what I hope to give back to this world.
I no longer identify myself through the eyes of others, their opinions, and the 'Kalla' I sometimes feel like I have to be in front of different people.
I'm more ready than ever before to live boldly the way I am.

What have you learned about your friends and family?
Like I mentioned in a previous question, when you're far away from home for an extended period of time, it becomes quite apparent who your real friends are and who truly loves you.
I know it's not easy to keep in touch with people when life gets busy and there is more than just time and distance between you. However, if you value a relationship you will make the effort and work hard
to keep it intact.
When you are far away from family for a long time you value those relationships much more as well. The petty arguments and things that once took place between you seem so pointless and dumb when their unconditional love and presence seems so distant and restricted by oceans and computer screens.

Are you going to write a book?
Ha! I am flattered by this question, and it's the honest truth that I dreamed of being an author some years ago. I just don't think I'm capable of anything like that, but who knows what could happen in years to come.


Big thanks to my friend Sara for these questions because I never would've been able to organize my thoughts without some kind of structure to follow tonight.

As always, thanks for reading and I can't wait to see you all again very soon! :)

Standing Tall (2,000 years)

This past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Madrid and Segovia, Spain with my host family and their friends. Below is a shot of me walking next to the 2,000 year old aqueduct that still stands in Segovia and something I wrote about it. I hope you enjoy. And as always, thanks for reading :)

Roman aqueduct in Segovia, Spain.

Flowing Water

Brick by brick.

Stone by Stone.

Making a life.

The weight of all reality.

I wonder the years it took.

the days they saw no end

the endless groans and whining

who persevered 

who tasted the victory of completion.

And once finished there it stood.

Just rocks some would say.

Something ordinary.

But these rocks brought life.

Through these rocks

the greatest thirst was quenched.

Through these rocks

the dirtiest grit was cleansed.

They washed away the old.

Restored the clean and pure.

A constant stream

It flowed for them all

Thousands of years

Reliable.

Time continues

And much has changed

But those rocks are remain solid and unmoved

A mystery they might say

How does it even work?

How simple stones could fit together 

How, as one, they could carry a stead stream of life

But I think I understand.

You see...

 I have a steady Rock too.

He is the stream of life

and His water flows for all. 

Reliable despite the years

He still stands tall.

Maybe I'm just a stone.

And you are too.

And we work year after year

sometimes with no end in sight

Lifted prayers are just complaints.

But I'm telling you my friends

Persevere. 

You too can taste victory at the completion.

For alone we are small and useless.

But together there is a greater plan.

Those at the top 

And the ones down below

Each designed for a purpose.

One useless without the other.

So together let's do our work.

Keep the end in mind.

For we are not just rocks.

But rocks from which Life may flow.

El Dia De la Madre

There is obviously a lot to be said on Mother's Day. Each of us has entered this world through our mothers and we've grown as they nurtured our bodies with care and our souls with love, since infancy.
On this Mother's Day I'm particularly grateful for everything my mother has sacrificed so that I could take advantage of every opportunity I've been given in life. While I grow and travel to new continents, I know that "home" is the place in my heart where the love for my mother will remain forever. She's given me more than just life, but also world full of adventures and the confidence to explore it.

To Be In The Best Company

How long have I been living with this host family? Three weeks, maybe? All I know is that I've fallen completely in love with them, and this year is coming to such a meaningful end.

After school yesterday I received letters from two of my good friends. Not many people have written me consistently this year but these two girls have, and as always, I was delighted to find the envelopes waiting for me. It's a beautiful thing to see how our letters have changed and developed throughout the year as we as people have grown and matured. And something as simple as ink on paper can can give you the temporary sensation of sitting down to a cup of coffee with a friend and catching up on your crazy lives... On the other hand, I can't wait to have those conversations face to face this summer when I'm back home with the ones I love.

Later in the evening, Emma came to Gata to spend the night at our house. Emma lived with this family before I did, so she's no stranger around here. Jaime, Maria, Emma, and I worked in the kitchen making brownies and chocolate covered strawberries while we chatted and enjoyed each other company. My host mom Vicky was out of town for work and as usual my host brother Jaime was at school in Valencia.

At 7:30 Emma went to basketball practice, Jaime went running, and Maria worked on some homework, so I had time to myself to skype my mom and tell her about my week.

Later we all regathered at the dinner table where we stayed for the next two and half hours telling stories, trying to remember state/country capitals (Let's just say our world geography skills are shameful) and talking about how Native Americans own most of the casinos in the U.S.  Jaime is without a doubt one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my entire life, and I'm learning more about the United States by living in his house than I have by living in New Jersey!!! haha
He said something like "there are random facts that you know, not because they are important or necessary in life, but simply because as a father your supposed to know them". Which is a philosophy that I totally agree with and get much amusement from. 

Let me give you an example.

My friend Julia Viola has this cool wax seal that she puts on every letter that she sends to me.

And when Jaime saw the letter on the table he nonchalantly named the royal French family to which the seal belonged. Is anyone else impressed here??? haha

So after hours of laughter and new knowledge, Vicky came home with their son Jaime and sat down to eat dinner. We all talked until roughly midnight when Emma and I headed off to bed with a smile on our faces, both saying "dude this is the best host family ever".

Emma and I were awake for another two hours talking in my room about things like college, and what we've learned this year, and some funny stories that we have from work experience.

And I fell asleep feeling blessed by the struggles and sacrifices I had to make this year because I like who I'm becoming and these relationships that I've made. And I'm overwhelmed by the fact that there is so much love to be found where ever you go in life despite how terrible this world may seem and the difficulties we face. 

A Violent Country

It's unfortunate that the only time people in Spain seem to talk about the United States is when tragedy or violence strikes and news becomes international. So all the talk these past few days has been about the bombing in Boston, poisoned letters sent to Obama and the senator, and explosion in Texas. If only you knew how crazy they think us Americans are... 

My host family is planning to visit Philadelphia and then Idaho to visit their daughter next month, so we've been discussing their trip a lot. 

Today, my host sister called me into the living room while she was watching tv and said "Look, another explosion in the United States." And even though the fire in Texas was an accident, it still raises questions, instills fear in people, and and weighs on our hearts to know that lives were lost. 

At the conclusion of the news broadcast Maria said "I don't want to go to the U.S." Which Vicky and I laughed at but could sense some real truth and fear in her words...

In other news, things are going really well with my new host family but I'm getting really excited as summer inches near. Both of my host parents are really great people and I love having intelligent conversations with them about education, religion, health, and of course all the latest news in the U.S. They make wonderful parents and also give me a lot of freedom. I never feel pressured to meet their expectations to be someone that I'm not or "the exchange student they wish to have" like I felt while living with my other two host families this year. I can just be me here.

My spanish is also improving by leap and bounds. I've been practicing my writing more and friends have commented on my progress. 

Two nights ago, at dinner, my host family asked me if I was bilingual before learning spanish. I said no. They thought that I picked up spanish so quickly because I'm used to speaking different languages and they complimented me by saying that I barely have an english accent when I speak. No one has ever told me that before and I almost couldn't believe it. I was so flattered and pleased to know that I've made progress here.

My spanish is still nowheres near perfect and I have many more mountains to climb before becoming fluent, but I don't feel stuck anymore. At a steady pace I'm continuing to learn.

In the mean time though, my english is not to be neglected. Looking back on my blogs from the beginning of the year, I've noticed that my writing doesn't read as well as it used to. Writing is something that I enjoy doing and I want to be good at it, which means I need to put in the work to improve.

Besides the "Days until calendar" that is in the double digits and slowly decreasing, I have a lot of other things on my mind that both add to my excitement and anxieties about coming home in June. My main concerns right now are about school work, what grades will transfer back to my high school, and whether or not I will have to take more summer classes in order to graduate on time with my class next year. I'm really not sure if this year abroad was worth it after seeing how much trouble I've caused myself and the extra time, money, and stress that has to be put into working out every bump in the road.

Seeing as our time is running out, Emma and I have also really been trying to enjoy our time together. I don't know when either of us will be able to visit each other in the coming years after we leave Spain. 

The weather has been reaching into the high 70's lately and we're taking advantage of our location near the beach, just hanging out, and being together. I don't know if I would've been able to last the whole year without Emma and it's sure gunna be tough to say goodbye.

!!!71 DAYS PEOPLE!!!

The Third and Final

This past friday marked my seven month anniversary here in Spain and on that day I moved from Denia to a small town called Gata, where I will be living with my third and final host family for the remainder of my school year.

Gata is an extremely tiny little town and our house is on a main road. All of the buildings along this street just look like a long, connected, concrete wall, with random doors on it. One of those random doors opens up to my home, though!

Moving in was a little tough again. I didn't feel completely heart broken or cry the way I did when I had to leave my first host family, but nonetheless, tough. Getting a new family, living in a new home, sleeping in a new bed, and adjusting to a new schedule is always uncomfortable at first for obvious reasons. 

While unpacking my suitcases I took a few breaks to stand by the window and watch the rain fall- to take a deep breath and appreciate things. This journey that I call my "exchange year" will be over in just twelve weeks and I've been so blessed along the way. I've faced challenges within this culture and faced challenges within myself, but it's all changed me for the better, and I'm so grateful for it all. 

My little house in Gata is absolutely beautiful inside and I'm so happy to be living here. Both of my host parents are doctors (one a dermatologist and the other a pulmonologist). They are very intelligent people and their personalities are reflected in the decor of the entire house. Everything is very antique, entire walls are covered in books, and there are clocks everywhere. Most of the furniture is dark stained wood, and like I said before, I just has a very old antique feel to it.

Maria is my younger host sister, and Jaime is my host brother who only comes home sometimes on the weekend because he lives at college.  The two of them have totally opposite personalities. Though in college, Jaime still acts like a young boy and is ALWAYS getting himself into trouble, but he really brings a sense of humor and joy into this more serious family. Maria is easy to get along with and very outspoken (when Jaime isn't speaking over her). But I like each of them very much and can't wait to get to know them more.

Also, here's a little fun fact for you: My host brother is the 4th Jaime in the lineage of men on his father's side of the family. I thought that was pretty cool.

Tomorrow is my last day of spring break and then school starts again which I am so not excited about. Things will be much different now that I live in another town and will have to get a ride back to Gata when my host parents get off work or take the train myself. It'll just be another learning experience though and I'm up for anything!   (:

Mary Kate & Me: The Road We've Taken

Two years ago, Mary Kate and I used to babysit our tennis couches' grandchildren . Once a week, while surrounded by five crazy kids, her and I discussed our dreams and aspirations to be exchange students, travel the world, and do great things with our lives. But such adventures and excitement seemed so far off in the future.

In those moments, during those conversations, on those stressful nights, traveling the world was the least of our worries. We were both fifteen years old. There was homework and chores to do, kids to babysit, and sports practices to be at. Our worries and tasks weren't any different from our classmates and friends our age... But somehow, now two years later, Mary Kate and I are both clearly on different paths and focusing on different things than our classmates.

I think it all comes down to this: We were once two young girls who knew what we wanted and made it happen. Instead of thinking the world revolved around us, we saw this amazing world full of life and adventures that had the potential to mold us into better young women, and we boldly stepped out into it.

Since those babysitting days, we've both lived abroad for a year and traveled to other countries. We've acquired the basic understanding of a second language and matured beyond our years from dealing with difficult situations and learning many life lessons. We've been forced out of our comfort zones. We've done weird and crazy things. We've made friendships with people from all over the world. I could go on forever telling you all the advantages of studying abroad. But it's not all fun and games either. When Mom and Dad are no longer protecting you from all the "bad guys" and "bad things" your picture of the world is drastically changed and so are you...

Mary Kate and I are both on spring break from school right now, and she came to visit her old host family in Spain. I was away at my family's beach house over the weekend and thought that we'd miss the chance to see each other, though. Luckily, Mary Kate and her friends rented out an apartment in Benidorm for a few days and I got permission to take a train (1hr 30min) down the coast to see them one day. The whole plan was thrown together at the last minute and we ran into a few challenges, but it all worked out in the end.

So this past Tuesday, Mary Kate and I spent the afternoon together in Benidorm, Spain. Just like old times we chatted about college and our future plans for traveling- well aware that things may turn out much differently than we think. God has a mysterious way of opening doors and leading us out into uncharted waters- to new places in the world and within our own souls that we never knew existed. But not knowing it all is what it makes the journey so exciting.

The whole day felt like a complete dream. Were we really together in Spain? Just eating frozen yogurt? Just speaking in spanish like we aren't thousands of miles from home?
We each were a reminder to one another of what this all really means- where we've come from and the road we had to take to get here.

"Que fuerte!" "Que fuerte, tía!!!!!" was all we could say to express everything we were feeling, because we both know that this is just the beginning to whatever the future holds. The beginning to a whole lot more...

Two young girls from a small little town. A ton of big dreams. And the will to fight for it all. 

That's where we found each other this week... under the warmth of the spanish sun.