Time To Grow Up

I've abandoned my blog for a few months now because, well, I'm not in a foreign country anymore. Adventures don't seem to be knocking on my doorstep. I've climbed down from a mountaintop only to find myself in a valley. And I'm struggling like a lot of others.

It's my senior year and everyone is trying to make the same decisions: Where am I applying to college? What do I want to major in? What do I even want to do with my life? Has the time come when I really have to grow up? And as we ask ourselves these questions and long for a quick glimpse of the future we're all burning out. By that I mean we're stressed, anxious for difficulties that in our minds will "inevitably" arise, worried about finances to pay for degrees that might not get us anywhere in life, and worst of all we're all looking around at one another terrified of making a decision that we could regret someday. This "choosing a college phase" is one of the saddest and most depressing things I've experienced with all of my peers... besides maybe our awkward stages of middle school. I hate it. And I know that it shouldn't be this way.

Everyone is telling us that we're "supposed" to be shoving our lives into these little cookie-cutter-perfect-scenarios. We've heard it all before: Go to college, rack up 40,000 in student debt, graduate, get a mediocre job, marry, have kids, pay off your loans, retire to a tropical place, and THAT is your life. And while most kids would laugh at this mentality or so called "American dream" right now, I guarantee that if asked to describe their life plan, it would sequence in the exact steps that I previously mentioned, with the difference of a few minor details.

Now, I don't mean to crush anyone's dreams, and quiet frankly there is nothing wrong with any of those things that I had listed. You will need to work hard and get an education in life in some form or another. I'm just begging you, all of you burnt out high school seniors out there that feel like maybe they don't want to follow the crowd another single step, to hear me out on what I think we are "supposed to do" during this stage in our lives.

Today is December 27th and I've recently sent out college applications and been accepted to a few schools. These past few months have consisted of college visits, financial aid discussions, and meeting deadlines. Again, I don't wish to look down upon any of this. I'm just telling you how I personally feel about my own situation and I'm wondering if any of you feel the same...

As young adults we are entering our prime years. Like. NOW. Twenty years from now when you have a mortgage and kids you won't be able to just go on a trip to europe or hike the appalachian trail for 3 months. You won't have the same physical energy or stamina to embark on such adventures nor the free time or lack of responsibilities. By exploring when we are young though, and taking time to truly find our passions, our whole lives will be transformed and twenty years from now we'll find ourselves on paths we've never imagined because we took our youth seriously. By seriously I mean we stopped going down the "American dream checklist" and actually sat down before God, the creator of all things, and asked him to lead us on the adventures that He has planned for us.

Now you definitely might think I'm crazy. But hear me out..
Parents are willing to spend hundreds even thousands of dollars on SAT guides or books on how to help your student land their dream career. But why are we looking to books and other people to give us those answers. I mean, if God created us (which He did) and if He loves us (which He does) and if He wants to show us how to live life to it's fullest (which He says himself) then why don't we turn to HIM when wondering what the next step is and what our lives are supposed to look like.

We rely on green paper, LED screens, and self-help books to guide our lives and find satisfaction. But it's not working. And I don't want this cheap happiness that everyone else is trading in for.

I want pure joy not cheap happiness.
I want real community not fake relationships.
I want passion and purpose to drive my life choices not pressure and fear.

We are all just trying to rise above the mess of our lives and struggles of this world. We all want to make a difference and be better. And these are wonderful desires to have...

I'm just saying that a picture, any picture, without God isn't worth anything. Any life without Christ isn't really life at all. And before we all toss up our caps and leave home in a few months to start our lives as young adults, we owe something to ourselves first. Heck, we've written the essays, we've met the deadlines, and we've sucked up to every teacher whether we've liked them or not for the past 12 years of our lives. But YOU owe something to YOURSELF now.

You owe it to yourself to take a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few days, if that's what you need, to be alone and stop thinking about what everyone else wants from you. Stop thinking about the pain, trials, and consequences for your actions that your future might hold. Sit down and ask God why you, as an individual, we're placed here on this earth in the exact circumstances that surround you. Ask Him what you're next step should be. Ask Him to fill your heart and soul with peace, a sense of security, and overflowing love that makes you confident in your identity. Ask Him to draw near and listen.

Please listen to Your Creator, Your Father, the man that died so you could live.
Life in Him is a precious gift that He wants you to have.
It's a life of freedom, love, security, joy, and so so much more.

Make sure you consider that soon.
Because you really do owe it to yourself.

Home Sweet Home

Today is August 9th which means I've been home for almost two months now, and everything feels more unreal than ever.  I can't believe that I'm sitting in my bed in the United States and I no longer have to go to sleep at night thinking of loved ones so far away. I can walk through my day with my eyes closed now because everything is back to normal and it's the most uncomfortable comfort I've ever experienced.

On June 11th I survived another day of impossible travel on international flights that just don't seem to ever be in my favor. While everyone at home was expecting my return on June 28th I had secretly planned on coming home early to surprise my best friends on the 11th. And so began one of the longest and most emotional days of my life...

My goodbyes were complete when I hugged my best friend Emma goodbye that morning on the sidewalk and headed to the airport. I couldn't believe how fast the year had gone by nor could I truly convince myself that it was more than an intricate dream concocted of powerful but fleeting emotions. The only way to look or move was forward with a strikingly bitter feeling of uncertainty and apprehension. My year in Spain that I'd planned for for so long was over and there was no other path to take as I moved through time and space back to my world of familiar faces, old stories, and routine.

In the airport I couldn't identify myself with the spaniards that excitedly waited to visit the United States nor the Americans that obnoxiously pranced around the place with almost complete glee and ignorance to their surroundings and the culture that laid just beyond their personal boundaries...

I can't tell you how alone I felt in those hours as I traveled from one life of mine back to the other-caught on the cusp of all that I used to know and all that I'd learned. I didn't know what I wanted or where I wanted to be or who I wanted to be with. I just wanted to stop saying goodbye to people and to stop feeling like my heart couldn't be complete because I'd left it with too many different people in too many different places.

 I kept to myself both in the airport and plane. While passengers slept, I read Emma's letter on the plane. Her jumbled emotions poured out of the words. Yet somehow they perfectly wrapped up the entirety of eight amazing months that we'd spent nearly everyday together. We will never be so young and carefree again as we were during those months. We won't lie under the sun for hours and talk about our young lives or walk along the sea at night, under the moonlight, and tell about secrets stories that have scarred our souls. Her smile adds beauty to my history, and her memory gives warmth to a cold chapter of raw and personal growth in my life. I never thought I'd learn to love that crazy girl as much as I did in the time we had together.

Just before sunset our wheels touched pavement- American pavement. The New York City skyline never looked so beautiful in my life as it did on that evening through a tiny and finger-smudged window. I grabbed my bags and ran through every line and customs check with the most impatient desire of feeling the love and safety of my mothers arms after many long months.

That hug meant home. It meant beginning again.
It meant "sigue fuerte" to continue strong...

At first it looked like I could pick up on life here right where I left off, but slowly (and painfully) I'm beginning to see how much people have changed and how foreign even "home" can feel.
During the first week of being back I felt helplessly lost in deep thought and distaste for how simple, carefree, and privileged my life in the United States is. I wanted to sell everything and move to a shack in Africa. Gosh I can be unrealistic sometimes...
Then I just wanted to spend time with everyone, every single day, and live like the new person I thought I'd become. But I'm also beginning to see which old habits I'v fallen back into and the new areas of my personality that have surprisingly flourished.

So here I am two months later continuing to wake up each day and ask myself what I learned from my year abroad and how I can apply that new knowledge to the way I live here.

That enormous european chapter of my life is just part of my life. It's a part of who I am now. Its effects will forever linger in my bones. My nerves will chill and tears will pour at the thought of the hardships and sheer joy that I faced in Denia, Spain.

But looking back, even now, it was still the most beautiful mess I've ever been through.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Senior Portraits

As the end of summer and early fall approaches soon-to-be seniors are looking to get dressed up and photographed for their senior portraits. Whether these pictures appear in the school year book or are just for the frame in the living room, it's a monumental time in life as you transition from your school years   into the real world as a vibrant young adult. So of course you will want some nice quality pictures... Just don't empty Mom and Dad's wallet!

If you've found yourself in the above situation, I'd like to help!
I'm not a professional photographer but I can't say I don't have an eye for some lovely shots ;) I love being behind the camera as I work with new subjects and in different settings to gain experience. And I'd love to help out some friends by providing them with some nice pictures at an awesome price this year to build up more of a portfolio. This is how it works...

I will:
*Shoot up to 3 different sessions with you
*Take as many photos as you'd like
AND there's no time limit (within reason)

Next I will touch up the shots we've taken or "spruce them up a bit" before giving you a CD with ALL of the frames. Once the photos are in your hands you can do whatever you'd like to share them with friends and family either online or by printing and framing them.
I simply ask that you give me credit as photographer.

Where can you get a deal like that?

Please consider the following photos as a "rough portfolio" of my work:


Single Portraits-

Pose Shots-

Emma's Senior Portrait Session

 Emma is my good friend that I met in Spain this year. Because she was studying abroad for her senior year we took it upon ourselves to have a photo shoot and get her some "official senior pics". 

Here's just a taste of the fun we had that day.

I hope you love them as much as we do!!!

My personal Favorite!!! 

As you can see, I hope to add more to this portfolio in the future- and you can help!

I can be contacted via e-mail at Kallajk@gmail.com

with any questions or to schedule a shoot.

 I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Finding Closure

24/7 I'm thinking about my approaching return home date and the 10 months that have led up to it.
I daydream about the adventures, laughs, and lessons that filled this year with excitement and meaning from the very start. I've been reflecting on my relationships with people here in Spain and back home, wondering who I'll stay in touch with and how I'll pick up with old friends when I return. But more than anything I've been taking a good hard look within myself. My journals and blogs are evidence of the constant change, growth, and struggles that defined my year abroad and continue to define me and the woman I'm becoming.

When I close my eyes I relive vivid memories from this year of both pain and joy that truly struck me at the core and awoke a stronger sense of what it means to experience all that life has to offer. To be completely honest, this year has been an absolutely beautiful mess. We post on Facebook and twitter the best we've got, the pretties pictures, and highlights of our lives, but the truth includes so much more than what is put on display for the rest of the world to see. And what might not alway be evident in what you see about my exchange is that this year has be the most challenging, demanding, and eyeopening year of my entire life. I hope that I've been open and transparent enough with you all through my blogs these past months because it's been an experience worthy of sharing.

In more recent events A LOT has been happening that I just haven't had the patients or clarity of mind to write to you guys, but tonight I'll give it my best shot.

In the end of May I went to live with my best friend Emma for a week while my host family was out of town. Every day we'd come home from school at 2pm, eat lunch, tan and then rest inside with a cup of tea and watch a movie. We were basically living the life that week and almost every conversation was very reminiscent of this entire year. Despite every challenge these houses have become our homes, these people our families, and these cities our land. In just nine months Emma and I have gotten to know each other so well along the journey of getting to know ourselves, and I find it unbearable to think of saying goodbye to her in such a short amount of time. We are well aware that we were only given a sliver of time together but the confusion of disbelief has me tangled up in mixed emotions about everything lately.

To help me summarize myself better Im going to use questions that a friend asked me in a recent letter. I figured some of you might be wondering the same things, too. So here goes:

What have been your biggest struggles?
During each step of my year abroad I struggled with different things. At first it was just the shock of such a dramatic change. I had to learn how to communicate in a foreign language, make new friends, get accustomed to different time schedules, get a long with a group of strangers that were considered my 'family', learn how to be more independent, and open my mind in new ways that were necessary to survive cultural differences. The battle lines were never drawn and I never got a break because I struggled with myself, too. Sometimes my logic and feelings were at war with each other. And even more often I was enveloped in my own self criticism and spiritual convictions that pushed me to keep fighting through the trials. I believed there was a mountain top even when the climb looked endless and now I'm almost there.

What are you most scared of when you get back?
This summer and the coming school year are going to continue to challenge me in my personal and academic life. And I have two major concerns. First of all, I'm extremely afraid of my academic situation because I've fallen behind on credits and my senior year is going to be a heavy workload. Worst comes to worst and I'll repeat my junior year- but we're praying really hard that that won't happen. My second biggest worry is coming home and feeling like I don't have a place to belong anymore. People grow and change a lot in ten months, and I know that I won't be able to pick up with them the same way I left. But I'm not naive to the fact that I won't be able to 'pick up' again at all with some people. Spring cleaning is to reorganize your house but a year abroad helps you reorganize your life and see both what and who you need around.

What are some things you're really going to miss?
Hmmm..
Without a doubt I'll miss the host families that I bonded with so much in the few months that I got to live with each of them. I'll miss the food (especially puchero) and the perfect climate that makes beach days possible almost all year round. I'll miss some of the kids in my class and getting to know their unique and funny personalities. I'll also look back on this year in Spain and long for the hours of free time and relaxation that I've been blessed with. I've enjoyed the time that I get to spend by myself and feeling at peace in my own company. Above all I'll miss Emma though...

What have you learned about yourself?
This question has an infinite number of answers which will only multiply as years go on and I look back on my exchange with more wisdom and maturity.
So for that reason I hope you don't mind if I make this response quick and short...
I've learned how to balance things in my life (in every aspect) more than ever before.
I've also become more willing to both recognize and then fix my faults and errors.
Lastly, I have a better understanding of what I truly believe in life, the morals I stand for, and what I hope to give back to this world.
I no longer identify myself through the eyes of others, their opinions, and the 'Kalla' I sometimes feel like I have to be in front of different people.
I'm more ready than ever before to live boldly the way I am.

What have you learned about your friends and family?
Like I mentioned in a previous question, when you're far away from home for an extended period of time, it becomes quite apparent who your real friends are and who truly loves you.
I know it's not easy to keep in touch with people when life gets busy and there is more than just time and distance between you. However, if you value a relationship you will make the effort and work hard
to keep it intact.
When you are far away from family for a long time you value those relationships much more as well. The petty arguments and things that once took place between you seem so pointless and dumb when their unconditional love and presence seems so distant and restricted by oceans and computer screens.

Are you going to write a book?
Ha! I am flattered by this question, and it's the honest truth that I dreamed of being an author some years ago. I just don't think I'm capable of anything like that, but who knows what could happen in years to come.


Big thanks to my friend Sara for these questions because I never would've been able to organize my thoughts without some kind of structure to follow tonight.

As always, thanks for reading and I can't wait to see you all again very soon! :)

Standing Tall (2,000 years)

This past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Madrid and Segovia, Spain with my host family and their friends. Below is a shot of me walking next to the 2,000 year old aqueduct that still stands in Segovia and something I wrote about it. I hope you enjoy. And as always, thanks for reading :)

Roman aqueduct in Segovia, Spain.

Flowing Water

Brick by brick.

Stone by Stone.

Making a life.

The weight of all reality.

I wonder the years it took.

the days they saw no end

the endless groans and whining

who persevered 

who tasted the victory of completion.

And once finished there it stood.

Just rocks some would say.

Something ordinary.

But these rocks brought life.

Through these rocks

the greatest thirst was quenched.

Through these rocks

the dirtiest grit was cleansed.

They washed away the old.

Restored the clean and pure.

A constant stream

It flowed for them all

Thousands of years

Reliable.

Time continues

And much has changed

But those rocks are remain solid and unmoved

A mystery they might say

How does it even work?

How simple stones could fit together 

How, as one, they could carry a stead stream of life

But I think I understand.

You see...

 I have a steady Rock too.

He is the stream of life

and His water flows for all. 

Reliable despite the years

He still stands tall.

Maybe I'm just a stone.

And you are too.

And we work year after year

sometimes with no end in sight

Lifted prayers are just complaints.

But I'm telling you my friends

Persevere. 

You too can taste victory at the completion.

For alone we are small and useless.

But together there is a greater plan.

Those at the top 

And the ones down below

Each designed for a purpose.

One useless without the other.

So together let's do our work.

Keep the end in mind.

For we are not just rocks.

But rocks from which Life may flow.

El Dia De la Madre

There is obviously a lot to be said on Mother's Day. Each of us has entered this world through our mothers and we've grown as they nurtured our bodies with care and our souls with love, since infancy.
On this Mother's Day I'm particularly grateful for everything my mother has sacrificed so that I could take advantage of every opportunity I've been given in life. While I grow and travel to new continents, I know that "home" is the place in my heart where the love for my mother will remain forever. She's given me more than just life, but also world full of adventures and the confidence to explore it.

To Be In The Best Company

How long have I been living with this host family? Three weeks, maybe? All I know is that I've fallen completely in love with them, and this year is coming to such a meaningful end.

After school yesterday I received letters from two of my good friends. Not many people have written me consistently this year but these two girls have, and as always, I was delighted to find the envelopes waiting for me. It's a beautiful thing to see how our letters have changed and developed throughout the year as we as people have grown and matured. And something as simple as ink on paper can can give you the temporary sensation of sitting down to a cup of coffee with a friend and catching up on your crazy lives... On the other hand, I can't wait to have those conversations face to face this summer when I'm back home with the ones I love.

Later in the evening, Emma came to Gata to spend the night at our house. Emma lived with this family before I did, so she's no stranger around here. Jaime, Maria, Emma, and I worked in the kitchen making brownies and chocolate covered strawberries while we chatted and enjoyed each other company. My host mom Vicky was out of town for work and as usual my host brother Jaime was at school in Valencia.

At 7:30 Emma went to basketball practice, Jaime went running, and Maria worked on some homework, so I had time to myself to skype my mom and tell her about my week.

Later we all regathered at the dinner table where we stayed for the next two and half hours telling stories, trying to remember state/country capitals (Let's just say our world geography skills are shameful) and talking about how Native Americans own most of the casinos in the U.S.  Jaime is without a doubt one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my entire life, and I'm learning more about the United States by living in his house than I have by living in New Jersey!!! haha
He said something like "there are random facts that you know, not because they are important or necessary in life, but simply because as a father your supposed to know them". Which is a philosophy that I totally agree with and get much amusement from. 

Let me give you an example.

My friend Julia Viola has this cool wax seal that she puts on every letter that she sends to me.

And when Jaime saw the letter on the table he nonchalantly named the royal French family to which the seal belonged. Is anyone else impressed here??? haha

So after hours of laughter and new knowledge, Vicky came home with their son Jaime and sat down to eat dinner. We all talked until roughly midnight when Emma and I headed off to bed with a smile on our faces, both saying "dude this is the best host family ever".

Emma and I were awake for another two hours talking in my room about things like college, and what we've learned this year, and some funny stories that we have from work experience.

And I fell asleep feeling blessed by the struggles and sacrifices I had to make this year because I like who I'm becoming and these relationships that I've made. And I'm overwhelmed by the fact that there is so much love to be found where ever you go in life despite how terrible this world may seem and the difficulties we face.