Finding Closure

24/7 I'm thinking about my approaching return home date and the 10 months that have led up to it.
I daydream about the adventures, laughs, and lessons that filled this year with excitement and meaning from the very start. I've been reflecting on my relationships with people here in Spain and back home, wondering who I'll stay in touch with and how I'll pick up with old friends when I return. But more than anything I've been taking a good hard look within myself. My journals and blogs are evidence of the constant change, growth, and struggles that defined my year abroad and continue to define me and the woman I'm becoming.

When I close my eyes I relive vivid memories from this year of both pain and joy that truly struck me at the core and awoke a stronger sense of what it means to experience all that life has to offer. To be completely honest, this year has been an absolutely beautiful mess. We post on Facebook and twitter the best we've got, the pretties pictures, and highlights of our lives, but the truth includes so much more than what is put on display for the rest of the world to see. And what might not alway be evident in what you see about my exchange is that this year has be the most challenging, demanding, and eyeopening year of my entire life. I hope that I've been open and transparent enough with you all through my blogs these past months because it's been an experience worthy of sharing.

In more recent events A LOT has been happening that I just haven't had the patients or clarity of mind to write to you guys, but tonight I'll give it my best shot.

In the end of May I went to live with my best friend Emma for a week while my host family was out of town. Every day we'd come home from school at 2pm, eat lunch, tan and then rest inside with a cup of tea and watch a movie. We were basically living the life that week and almost every conversation was very reminiscent of this entire year. Despite every challenge these houses have become our homes, these people our families, and these cities our land. In just nine months Emma and I have gotten to know each other so well along the journey of getting to know ourselves, and I find it unbearable to think of saying goodbye to her in such a short amount of time. We are well aware that we were only given a sliver of time together but the confusion of disbelief has me tangled up in mixed emotions about everything lately.

To help me summarize myself better Im going to use questions that a friend asked me in a recent letter. I figured some of you might be wondering the same things, too. So here goes:

What have been your biggest struggles?
During each step of my year abroad I struggled with different things. At first it was just the shock of such a dramatic change. I had to learn how to communicate in a foreign language, make new friends, get accustomed to different time schedules, get a long with a group of strangers that were considered my 'family', learn how to be more independent, and open my mind in new ways that were necessary to survive cultural differences. The battle lines were never drawn and I never got a break because I struggled with myself, too. Sometimes my logic and feelings were at war with each other. And even more often I was enveloped in my own self criticism and spiritual convictions that pushed me to keep fighting through the trials. I believed there was a mountain top even when the climb looked endless and now I'm almost there.

What are you most scared of when you get back?
This summer and the coming school year are going to continue to challenge me in my personal and academic life. And I have two major concerns. First of all, I'm extremely afraid of my academic situation because I've fallen behind on credits and my senior year is going to be a heavy workload. Worst comes to worst and I'll repeat my junior year- but we're praying really hard that that won't happen. My second biggest worry is coming home and feeling like I don't have a place to belong anymore. People grow and change a lot in ten months, and I know that I won't be able to pick up with them the same way I left. But I'm not naive to the fact that I won't be able to 'pick up' again at all with some people. Spring cleaning is to reorganize your house but a year abroad helps you reorganize your life and see both what and who you need around.

What are some things you're really going to miss?
Hmmm..
Without a doubt I'll miss the host families that I bonded with so much in the few months that I got to live with each of them. I'll miss the food (especially puchero) and the perfect climate that makes beach days possible almost all year round. I'll miss some of the kids in my class and getting to know their unique and funny personalities. I'll also look back on this year in Spain and long for the hours of free time and relaxation that I've been blessed with. I've enjoyed the time that I get to spend by myself and feeling at peace in my own company. Above all I'll miss Emma though...

What have you learned about yourself?
This question has an infinite number of answers which will only multiply as years go on and I look back on my exchange with more wisdom and maturity.
So for that reason I hope you don't mind if I make this response quick and short...
I've learned how to balance things in my life (in every aspect) more than ever before.
I've also become more willing to both recognize and then fix my faults and errors.
Lastly, I have a better understanding of what I truly believe in life, the morals I stand for, and what I hope to give back to this world.
I no longer identify myself through the eyes of others, their opinions, and the 'Kalla' I sometimes feel like I have to be in front of different people.
I'm more ready than ever before to live boldly the way I am.

What have you learned about your friends and family?
Like I mentioned in a previous question, when you're far away from home for an extended period of time, it becomes quite apparent who your real friends are and who truly loves you.
I know it's not easy to keep in touch with people when life gets busy and there is more than just time and distance between you. However, if you value a relationship you will make the effort and work hard
to keep it intact.
When you are far away from family for a long time you value those relationships much more as well. The petty arguments and things that once took place between you seem so pointless and dumb when their unconditional love and presence seems so distant and restricted by oceans and computer screens.

Are you going to write a book?
Ha! I am flattered by this question, and it's the honest truth that I dreamed of being an author some years ago. I just don't think I'm capable of anything like that, but who knows what could happen in years to come.


Big thanks to my friend Sara for these questions because I never would've been able to organize my thoughts without some kind of structure to follow tonight.

As always, thanks for reading and I can't wait to see you all again very soon! :)